Monday, 12 March 2012

Testing Testing 1 2 3...

Another of my Sophie Loves Sex columns, re-jigged for new readers. Enjoy!

The other night I met this guy, Paul, who has one of the best jobs I’ve ever heard of.

He’s a chocolate tester for one of the big confectionery companies. No shit! He gets to taste test all the new lines and flavours and gets paid shit-loads to do it.

It got me wondering about all the other things out there that require testers. I’ve heard of kids getting paid squillions to sit in front of a computer screen all day assessing and trying out the latest video games, there are people out there getting paid to read magazines, try on clothes, wear make-up, watch TV, play with toys and use new gadgets… And I’ve decided I want in on the action!

I guess the first thing I need to do is figure out what I’d be good at testing. Where do my talents and expertise lie?

Yes, I know, it’s a bloody stupid question, we all know what I'm good at, but you can’t really be a “sex” tester (although my job is about as close as you can get). It’s got me thinking about it though, and I’ve started to wonder about sex toys. Surely they would have to be tried and tested before they’re put on the shelves to be used in our most intimate and sensitive places.

I'm not talking about reviewing them. I've done that before and so have many others. I'm sure at one stage or another you've flicked through various chick mags and come across their sealed section specials where the magazine staff have tested out the latest vibrators and toys. I'm always a little amused at their rating systems – Like they try and be all humorous and “clever” by using some kind of phallic grading system: “Ooh, the new super-whiz-bang-buzzer-vibe gets 4 dicks up from Mandy!”

But no, I'm talking about the testing and trialling of them before they are released to the public market.

I wonder who does it? And how? Do they have a “testing room” where scientists in white lab-coats stand around with clipboards, jotting down notes and nodding seriously while some lucky nympho writhes around on a bed in front of them, the company’s latest offering buzzing away? Or perhaps the designers themselves spend their days immersed in self-congratulatory ecstasy enjoying the fruits of their labours.

And then, moving on to other sex products that could be tested, there are all of those aphrodisiacs and pheromone sprays you can buy that are supposed to get his libido raging and her legs opening. I must admit I’ve never tried them (I don’t think I’ve ever needed help in the “getting horny” or “picking up” departments) but I’ve always been curious about them.

Do they really work? And if so, who evaluates them?

I suppose to be really sure it worked you’d have to spray someone who would have absolutely no hope of getting lucky and then (to be ultra sure) stick them in a room full of people the most unlikely to be attracted to them – Like, for example, spray Andrew Bolt and then send him to a Feminists for Global Warming Action meeting.

But seriously, there has to be people out there who test these things, not only for pleasure ratings and usability, but also for safety reasons and things like that.

So in the interest of public health and safety, market research in the sex-toy industry and (of course) my own multiple orgasms, I am putting up my hand for the job.

Anyone know where I can get an application form?

For some of my actual toy reviews click on these links!


Index Labels

#NoLittleGirl A Girl's Guide To Getting Off acceptance ads adult shop adults advertising advice angry Angry Aussie AngryAussie animals annoying app art Australia Australian People Magazine Australian Red Cross awkward awkwardness bad sex BDSM bigotry blood blood donations blow-up dolls bullshit bullying bumping uglies celebrities censorship Channel Ten Chantelle Austin children Chocolate choice CineKink cleaning clitoris. Orgasms. multiple orgasms. sexy. sex shop comedy condoms confusion Cosmo Magazine costumes couples sex toys Craig Thompson deception depression discrimination doing the right thing don't be an idiot Dr Caroline Norma educational embarrassing embarrassment equality erotic erotica Eva exploitation famous fantasy feminism feminist porn Feminist Porn Awards fetish Food FOSTA frustration fun Fun Factory Fun Toys funny future G-Spot toys G-Vibe G-Vibe 2 gay marriage GLBTI Go The Fuck To Sleep Grand Prix grief hate Herpes. STIs HIV HollyInAlbury Homophobia humor humour hypocrisy I Bet This Turkey Can Get More Likes Than NOM impotence information Je Joue Jimmy Jane jokes kegel kegel balls Kim Kardashian Kyle and Jackie O laugh Lelo Lelo Ida LGBTI LGBTI Youth lies lifeline. loss lube lubricant male sex toys Margaret Court masturbation media Men menstruation messy Mia Freedman misogyny Morgana Muses movies Noni Hazlehurst Nu Nu Sensuelle Point Nu sex toys Nu Vibrators old man opportunity orgasm parents passion patience pelvic floor pelvic floor exercises period sex Permission 4 Pleasure Petra Joy porn pornography presenting ProLube prostitution publishers publishing radio rant rape realism regret religion review sad sadness safe sex satire scam scammers science SETSA sex sex education sex positive sex shop sex shops sex sponge sex toy sex toy review sex toys sex work sex workers sex-positive Sex. sex work sexpert sexualisation of minors sexy silence silly skanks skittles Slut shaming smartphone song Sophie Loves Sex sponges stereotypes STI Stigma stripping submission Swan Swan sex toys tattoos teenagers television tennis The Australian Sex Party The Circle thruster Tim Tams Todd Akin turn offs TV unrealistic unsexy vagina vibrator vibrators video ViolaTurtleDove waiting We-Vibe We-Vibe 4 We-Vibe 4 Plus weird Whorephobia Womanizer women women's health writing your tattoos make you a horrible mother