Tuesday, 21 February 2012

What Turns a Sex Worker Off?

Another column from my People magazine days... (still in its original form)
Wanna know what turns a sex worker off?


I got a letter recently asking me what it would take for me not to go through with a job. Although I am a fairly easy going person I do have limits, and, from asking other working girls what their limits are too, I've come up with a list of things that are almost certainly going to guarantee a dud booking, and most likely a non-refundable cancellation on her part. So take note, guys, and don't do any of these!

1. Personal Hygiene

I'm not talking about a little BO (although that really is a turn off), but that obvious not-had-a-shower-or-changed-clothes-in-a-week stench. It's not like you don't own a shower or know that some girl is coming over to get naked with you. Use your common sense. Wash.

2. Domestic Hygiene

Again, I don't mean dirty dishes in the sink or crap on your coffee table. I'm talking about mouldy towels in the bath, dog shit in your hall, stained and damp bed sheets. Seriously, guys, any girl who would fuck in a bed like that would probably not be someone I'd want to fuck... If you know what I mean.

3. Unexpected Guests

Saying you're home alone and the girl arriving to find three blokes sitting on the couch hoping for an orgy is a sure-fire way of not getting anything at all. We don't mind flat-mates and understand that not everyone lives alone, but just let us know so we don't freak out when your house-mate comes walking through the lounge to get a drink.

4. If It's Not On

I come across this so often it's not funny (not that it ever was). Don't bother asking if you can do it without a condom. One girl I know will literally climb off you, put on her clothes and walk out the door if you ask more than once. I'm not that extreme, but don't push it.

5. No Means No

If she says no to a request, such as kissing you on the mouth, or having anal sex, then take it. She's under no obligation to do it. The best way to avoid that situation is to pre-establish everything you want her to do with her before she even gets to your house.

6. Health Issues

Escorts are pretty good at looking for things like scabs, warts, herpes etc. It's usually done so discreetly you don't even notice it, but on those occasions that we do find something, although we might not leave, we won't have sex or oral sex with you. No matter what.

7. Smashed

Sometimes a little Dutch courage is needed to call a girl and go through with a booking, but if you are too drunk to stand or are so off your head on drugs, or are acting erratic or volatile in any way, most girls will leave. It just doesn't feel safe.

8. Privacy Matters

I once left a job halfway through because I discovered the guy filming me. I made him delete it and then left. It's completely wrong and disrespectful to do that, not to mention illegal. You want porn, go buy it. That's not what escorts are for.

9. Arseholes

Being a total fuckwit will have lots of girls not bothering to stay. Yes, we know we are prostitutes, but treating us like dogs is never a good idea. Not only will we leave, we also have big bulldog drivers waiting for us in the car who like to make sure we're happy and treated right.

10. The Vibe

It's a pretty rare occurrence but sometimes, like with the guy who wanted me to fuck him on the pink frilly princess bed, it just feels wrong. Us hookers have very finely tuned radars and if it starts to buzz most of us will get out. And it's always better to be safe than sorry. Especially in this job.

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