Wednesday, 7 March 2012

The Ups and Downs of Deliciously Bad

So, as many of you know, this year has been rather a journey on the ol' roller coaster of life for me. My husband, the beautiful man of the mountain bike, Jman, decided after much soul-searching and a few bouts of “I fucking hate everything cos it all sucks” to leave his job.

It's a job he really loved and a profession he is very, very (did I say very) good at. The world of bikes has been his whole life for as long as I've known him (have I mentioned before I was about 11 years old when I met him?) and so this decision was a huge step. Massive!

As a good wife and his best friend I have supported this decision 100%. I've seen what the stress has been doing to him. As a good wife and his best friend I have stressed with him, cried with him, panicked with him and together we decided that it really was the best thing.

Actually he's been wanting to do it for a couple of years now. To be able to spend more time at home with me and our girl, to be able to spend more time seeing our friends and living life and to spend more time on his bike. The whole reason he's been working so long in the same area is his love of mountain bikes. His passion for building them and making them work perfectly. His love of racing them top speed down a crazy hill. The satisfaction of creating a fantastic track for other riders to enjoy.
But instead he has been stuck in a workshop, surrounded by people who don't seem to know what they're doing, and getting caught up in store politics, customer relations and retail. Definitely not his forte.

Like I said, he's wanted to quit for years but because of me, my uni studies, my head down-bums up writing of my book and the crazy inconsistency of freelance writing gigs and even regular sex work, he stuck at it. He stuck at it until he couldn't take it any more and wondered if the stress would kill him.

This kills me inside. I know that if it wasn't for me and my lack of income he would be less stressed, less unhappy, and more content. Our relationship, our love, our togetherness does not suffer which is one small mercy, but our stress levels about money, rent, the future, are always there. It's hard.
I honestly thought I would have something a bit more regular by now. Another column like I did in People Mag, or something like that. I believed that my book would have been picked up and published (it really is very interesting and good) by now and that I would be a valuable contributor to our household finances. It hasn't happened.

There's still time, sure, but time is something I don't really have.

I have very few regrets in life, I think they (like grudges) are unnecessary and hindering, but one that has bubbled to the surface recently is the one where, before I even knew if it would happen or not, I walked away from an amazing opportunity.

I did it because, at the time, it was the right thing to do. I did it because I have standards, morals and boundaries and someone pushed them and spat on them and made it so that I could either throw out everything I had always believed about myself to maybe get ahead, or walk away. I chose the latter.

To me (and the people who knew what was happening) it was the only thing I could do. To everyone else it probably seemed stupid and unprofessional. I wasted people's time who were investing a lot in me and I threw away an opportunity most people (myself included) would do practically anything for. Practically... But not anything.

I don't know if that opportunity will ever arise again. I'm trying very hard to build bridges and prove that I am someone to invest in, but I understand previous behaviour shows otherwise. This is something I have to deal with and admit to myself. And it sucks. It really, really sucks.
But there is a light. It's not a very bright one, and it won't solve all our issues, but it's there, glowing in the middle of this long gloomy tunnel and showing me it's not all bad and that there should, one day, be a super-bright one at the end where hopefully all our dreams will come true... Or at least we won't have to dip into our house deposit savings to pay rent.

Until then I shall keep scribbling away at my blog and various other writing gigs, sending my manuscript to publishers and hoping that one day Aussie TV decides to spice up their morning couches and the other guys decide to give another chance...

3 comments:

  1. Stumbled across this blawg the other day, brought back some memories and this post here is a perfect reason why you will succeed.. maybe not today, maybe not next week.. but you will find your dreams (other than the ones you already have found). You write from the heart about what you think, and are not afraid of saying it.

    You are one of the most ethical people I have known and whatever happened with the TV Gig (I'm assuming) you did what you thought was right and that's all that matters.

    Though if the bastards don't accept you as you are, beautiful, intelligent, sassy, and full of life, there is always a certain green dragon that you can set on them.

    ReplyDelete

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