Every now and then a concept comes along that is so ridiculous, ludicrous in fact, that there isn't much you can really do but laugh, shake your head and go, “Really!?”
The idea that the government puts microchips in our drinking water for example, or the theory that God planted dinosaur bones on Earth as a way to test our faith, or the fact that people still seem to buy Michael Bolton albums... But the other day I came across a new one. One that at first had me angry and rather offended, but which soon turned to “I have to laugh at this because it's just so bloody hilarious”.
This is the concept that a small group of radical feminists (radfems) have created that basically says all sexual penetration by a penis into a vagina is rape.
All of it. From wham-bam take me now, mother-fucker, to slow, sensual lovemaking by candlelight. All heterosexual sex. Or, as they refer to it PIV (penis in vagina).
Firstly I would like to say how offended I was on behalf of every woman (and man) out there who has ever been through the ordeal of rape. It is a horrible, horrible crime and one that should never be taken lightly, or minimalised by such outlandish claims. Secondly I would like to apologise to every male out there who is being put into such a heinous category, all for the crime of being born with a penis.
It is, as I have stated earlier utterly ridiculous.
But let me break it down for you, just so we can all have a bit of a giggle together.
Firstly the proof.
Now, as almost every female in the world who has ever had penetrative sex will agree with me, losing your virginity hurts. For some it hurts more than others, but really, the whole thing is rather painful, if not a bit uncomfortable, for most girls. This, screech the radfems shrilly, is absolute proof that vaginas were not made for penises. PROOF! Also apparently our vaginas are not capable of enjoying pleasure (that's only for clitorises, you see) and we've all been brainwashed by pornography and male conditioning into thinking it does. Funny... That squirting Gspot orgasm I had last week was pretty damn strong for something that isn't actually real... But I digress...
Further proof of the unnaturalness of sex is the fact that STIs exist. Warts and herpes and other things that make our bits go a bit rank. This again is PROOF that PIV is inherently wrong and bad and should never be attempted by sane people.
This second point has me wondering a little about breathing. Recently a friend of mine contracted a really bad flu. Like so bad she was bedridden for over a week. All for the very silly oversight of breathing in germs someone else had coughed into the air. This is, by the radfem logic, insurmountable proof that breathing is inherently dangerous to life and must therefore be stopped at every possible turn!
More proof (and really, this one made me snort coffee all over my computer) is the term “Fuck you”. Yes. You see, as all males know, fucking someone is the most debasing, horrible, evil thing you could ever do to anybody ever in the world (let's forget murder and child molestation etc for a minute), so really, what better way to insult someone but by spitting out these awful words. It's basically like they're raping you with language! Ooh those nasty men.
Now, lets move on to the thing I was most curious about in this entire thing. Procreation. You know, babies and stuff.
According to the gospel that is Radical Feminism, vaginas are only (and I mean ONLY) designed to push babies out. Not for anything to go up there. Just out. Simple! Why doesn't everyone understand this?? Oh, wait. Can I ask a simple question here. HOW DO THE BABIES GET IN THERE!??
When my daughter was about four she asked me this question and I gave her the honest truth. That a man and a woman, with the use of their genitals, create a baby. But now I realise I must be wrong. Maybe the stork does bring them? I mean, I just do not understand how it is physically possible for the human race to prosper without the use of sexual intercourse. I just don't. Am I stupid? I have spent almost half my life studying sex and sexual practices and I have often been shouted down for having left-of-centre views on monogamy and sexual enjoyment. But that's usually from the “sex is just for babies” crew. I have never once heard that sex is unnecessary for procreation until now.
But apparently this is the case. Pregnancy is not about forwarding the human race, or creating a bundle of joy to love and cherish. No. pregnancy is man's way of further oppressing women.
Ah! But there is a way around this. The genius radfems have sorted it for you. Now all us women have to do to become pregnant is to ask men for some sperm and then rub it on our vulvas. Yep. Just smear it on there, ladies! Simple!
But, the thing I can't quite get my head around with all this is: If all men are inherently violent and oppressive and out to rape us at every turn... Why on earth would they just amicably agree to splodge out on our hands for us to wipe ourselves with (seriously, I've seen fetish porn like this)? Isn't that, by their very definition, something that men just wouldn't ever agree to, ever. So what? Maybe we lock men up and hook them up to milking machines to have their sperm at the ready for vulva smearing when we are ready to have a child.
And what then of the male babies that are born? Do we do like they do in those chicken factories and just chuck the male ones into a grinder to be fed to the females to make them stronger?
And another burning question in my head is, if we are going to talk about the pain of virginity being proof that sex is unnatural, is anyone going to bring up the pain of childbirth?? I mean, that shit hurts. Like really. It hurts like someone has asked you to stretch your top lip over your head and sit on it and then light it on fire while stabbing it with knives. I wonder if they look at the pain of a female child as a natural and beautiful thing and the pain of a male baby as further proof that men are instinctual women-haters and prove this by clawing their way violently out of our vaginas in a bid to weaken the mother and render her powerless.
I have questions about pap smears and tampons and self love (you know, masturbation.) Like, if I enjoy putting my fingers into my vagina, does that mean maybe my fingers are misogynists? Should I chop them off? And really, I'd hate to think what they say about fisting. Are lesbians allowed to do that? And what of gay men and their penetrative sex? I'm going to assume that's actually because gay men are secretly straight and like to pretend other gay men are women and therefore they can rape them just the same. That makes sense doesn't it? Doesn't it??
It's all just a bit confusing to me, and so I think I will go and take my misogynistic fingers away from my keyboard and go practice a little self-rape... It's usually what I do to relax.
Can someone come arrest me please.
(Disclaimer. It has been brought to my attention that my reference to the Fast and Furious movie sequels was "offensive" because that guy died. This was not my intention. it was purely because I think the movies are terrible... But to save anyone being "offended" I've changed it. Michael Bolton fans... Sorry. I'm not changing it again)