Ask Eva: BSDM and Feminism. Can I submit and still consider myself a feminist?

Originally asked via the "Ask Eva"column in Birdee Magazine. I have been asked about this article/letter a lot lately so I decided to post it up here as unfortunately Birdee does not exist any more (RIP to the best young women's publication since Dolly in the 90s).

Hey, Eva,

I'm super curious about BDSM, but everything I find online is either about 50 Shades or is fake ass porn. What's it really like? Does it really portray abuse? Why am I interested in it but against abuse?!?

Hey there!

This is a really interesting question and one I get asked a lot. Especially within the boundaries of feminism.
How can women, who call themselves feminists, be even remotely interested in submission? Doesn't it go against everything we've been taught?

Well actually, no. It does not. And, once you sort a few things out in your head., it's actually not that hard to get your head around it at all.

Firstly, it's really important to separate the idea of “submission” from that of weakness. It isn't. It is actually quite a strong thing to give your power over to someone else. The trust and self belief you need to be able to do it is something that can make you a very strong and powerful person within yourself and all other areas of your life.

Secondly, you need to stop thinking of it in terms of “submitting to a man”. If you are a heterosexual person, then ultimately (although of course not always) your sexual fantasies, whatever they are, will most likely be in the area of your sexuality. If you are a straight female who is interested in submission, your dominant partner is most likely going to be a male. If you are a gay female, your dominant partner is most likely going to be female. It's not about submitting to a man... It is about submitting. There are subs and Doms in all areas of sexuality. Gay, straight, bi, poly... Everywhere.

Thirdly, and probably most importantly, BDSM is not abuse. It isn't. It is healthy, consensual fun between two adults. The difference and it's a MASSIVE one, is the word consent. The Dominant partner is not taking anything without permission. They are not doing anything that has not been agreed to prior. They have been given the gift of your submission and that is something a true Dominant will treasure, and treat with the utmost care and respect. It is a huge responsibility to be in charge of someone's power, and yet, in a true BDSM setting, as much as it may not seem so from an outside perspective, the submissive has ALL the power.
They control the level of play, the boundaries in which they have set in place, they are in control of how far it goes, and the minute they want it to stop, it stops.

BDSM is not all about mouth gags and whips either. Sure, some people love that, and that's great, but if someone just wants to hurt you, and doesn't care about your feelings or your pleasure, then that is abuse. BDSM is actually very equal. The pleasure you derive from your submission should be equal to the pleasure the Dominant gets from being dominating. Because the thing is, pain isn't necessarily all that bad a thing. I love certain sorts of pain. And not just sexual stuff.

I love the pain of getting a tattoo. I love that omg-I've-just-boxed-for-an-hour-and-my-arms-are-gonna-fall-off pain. And sometimes I love the feel of a nice hard slap on my arse when I'm having sex. It's a totally different sort of pain that if someone was to randomly come up to me and slap me on the arse. Why? Well because it is intimate. It is a shared experience with someone I choose to be intimate with. And, like the amazing goodness of salted caramel, its the salty and sweet combination of pleasure and pain that just... Well... It works! It also works the other way round too. I enjoy being the Dominant side too and having someone else's pleasure and trust in my hands. It's a power trip in a very different way. It is a massive responsibility too, and it is up to me to make sure their pleasure is key, because knowing they're loving it... That's what gives me pleasure.

Look at it this way. When we kiss we often touch tongues. That's hot. That's sexy! But if some random person came up to you and just stuck their tongue in your mouth it would be gross. It would be rude. It would be abuse. But kissing isn't any of those things. Because you are mutually consenting to put tongues in each other's mouths.

I can totally get why it can seem so hard to understand from the outside, when all you have to go on is things like bad porn and Fifty Shades. The main problem with this book and film lies in the consent gauge. There are many many times where it feels like Ana is being controlled in ways she has not consented to nor feels comfortable with, and Christian Grey doesn't give a crap. It's all about him. That's abuse. Not BDSM. And that's what has got the BDSM community in such a rage about it. It doesn't portray a healthy relationship in any way.

I am going to leave you with the words of a good mate of mine, Dan. She not only holds a rather important managerial role in a large company, she is also a trained BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) fighter who mentors young Islamic women in BJJ and self defence and self confidence. She is a powerful and strong-minded feminist with a wicked sense of humour, a determined sense of self and social justice. She also lives in a full-time submissive relationship with her Dominant partner.

“As a manager, I spend most of my days telling people what to do. Whilst it's rewarding, it occurred to me that I needed something in my life to offset being so darn dominant. Enter my relationship dynamic. It was my choice to be utterly submissive to the man I love. It's my choice to relinquish all control and allow Him to call the shots with my body, mind and soul, especially in the bedroom. He coaches me through tricky situations, and gives me praise when I excel. We talk about EVERYTHING - sexual limitations, feelings, health - everything. Its so easy because there is never a power struggle. We are both feminists. This is, by far, the most rewarding relationship and experience of my life. My happiness level is off the chart. [my Dom] and I train together too so feel free to mention that I'm as strong as fuck, and frequently kick His sexy arse.”

Equality. Consent. Love. Trust. Understanding. What all strong relationships are built on. How you choose to express it and what you choose to do in the bedroom is entirely your choice and your prerogative. It's not up to anyone else to tell you what you like or don't like. Or what is degrading or not. It is only degrading if YOU feel degraded by it, not because someone else does. That's like me expecting you not to eat chocolate because I am on a diet. It just doesn't work that way. And yet, when it comes to sex, everyone is an expert in telling everyone else what they should and should not be enjoying or liking. And, unfortunately, sometimes feminists can be the worst at that.

Don't listen to it. It's between you and the people you choose to share it with. No one else. 
So go get exploring, and experimenting and remember, it's all about consent. 

Video response with Angry Aussie to Caroline Norma's piece in the age where she calls for the re-criminalisation of sex work and refers to "Prostituted Women" being exploited and how bad "pimps" are...

Deliciously Bad Gets Ranty

I have a problem. The problem is I am angry. Really really angry, and I'm trying to write. I don't like writing when I'm angry because I find a lot of points get missed and lost and I get a bit shouty and sweary which, in turn, makes me look like a petulant child who hasn't got her own way
So I might just put down a few points now before I forget and then, come back to it all a bit later when I am feeling a bit calmer.

Okay. Slightly calmer rant... Slightly...

This all started on Saturday night when a friend wrote a Facebook status (and I will tell you now I am paraphrasing because this particular “friend” has since deleted me and I have no access to the actual status post to copy and paste it verbatim).
The status asked that if sex work was as empowering as some sex workers “claim” it is, would they then encourage their daughters to enter the profession? And then she went on to say no, of course they wouldn't because really it's a degrading and exploitative job and no-one should ever feel proud or “empowered” because of it.
She continued to quote (I say quote, but there were no actual links or anything) statistics that the majority of girls who work get into it solely because of drug habits and last resort desperation, and that the ones who advocate it as a positive thing are just kidding themselves because everybody knows there's nothing empowering or positive about sex work and it's never actually a “real” choice.

She says this knowing full well what I do, that I am also a mother to a daughter, and that my world, my job, my career has been built of the positivity of sex work.
I couldn't help but wonder if her whole status was a dig at me. If not completely she would have known full well that I'd not only see it and read it, but that I would also comment on it, and that I would comment on it the way I did, so why not block me beforehand, or make that particular “thought” invisible to me?
No, I think there was definite intention there for me to see it, and for me to respond.
So I did.
And I got blocked.

The thing is, when it comes to my daughter and what I will “encourage” her to do, it actually has nothing to do with a specific job or title and has everything to do with giving her the tools to make choices and decisions on her own.

I will “encourage” her to be a good and decent person. To treat others with respect and to not judge anyone by how they look, where they are from, who they love or what they do for a living. I will “encourage” her to make her own well-informed choices and live her life in a way that makes her happy, satisfied, fulfilled and confident. Whether that future job is as a surgeon or a sex worker is entirely her choice and, if I do my job as a parent properly, will be the right choice for her.

However the thing that really really pissed me off in her uninformed and ignorant rant was the idea that sex work is not empowering or a real “choice” and that all of us sex workers who claim it is are just kidding ourselves or have been “brainwashed” by the patriarchy into thinking it is.

I am going to put it in a very simple way.
I love sex. I fucking LOVE it. I have loved it before I even knew what it was or that there was such a thing as the patriarchy. All I knew was that something down there felt really good.
As I grew up and learnt more about it I loved it even more. And as I started to do it I realised I was really, really good at it.
So, something I really enjoy, am good at and can be paid to do is somehow NOT my choice?
I work for myself. I have no pimp, no manager, no brothel. Just me and a few advertisements dotted around the place, but I am being forced into this?
No. Really I am not. And to say that I am is insulting and ignorant.

Now we come to the whole “exploitation” thing. But before I go any further I will put in my usual disclaimer: I am aware that the sex industry is not perfect. I am aware there are many, many girls who are being forced into this work. Being trafficked and held prisoner. I know there are drug problems and that rapes and attacks happen. I know there are men who exploit this industry to the point of girls being killed while they work. I know this. I am not a fucking idiot. I have spent the last fifteen or so years researching, writing about, talking about and talking to sex workers. I know the drill. I know there is a horrible dark side and I would never ignore that or pretend it's not there.

However (and it's a pretty big however) every coin has two sides, and there are some really amazing, positive sides to the sex industry.
For example, when my “friend” goes on about the people who use the service, she claims they are all just degrading women and using women and seeing women as nothing but objects, I wonder what she would say to one of my clients who I will call Phil.

Phil was shot in the back when he was nine in an accidental farm incident. He has no feeling below his waist and is in a wheelchair. He is quite shy too and finds it very hard to talk to women, let alone have the courage to ask one out on a date or be intimate with.
But he is human. He has urges and needs and desires. He calls me every few weeks and I go and hang out at his house for a few hours. He's a funny guy and we get along great. He is a great kisser, considering he's not kissed all that many girls before, and really knows how to use his hands and tongue. Yes, he pays me for my time. That's my job. But there are times that I go hang out and have a coffee with him just on my own time because we get along. We chat on the phone sometimes if he is feeling lonely and I have even gone out to dinner with him and my husband. I genuinely like him and he genuinely likes me.
If it wasn't for me he would get absolutely no sexual intimacy at all and I think that's a real shame. Sex is a basic human need like food and shelter and (look at the problem with the catholic church) can turn people funny if they can't have it.
Phil is not my only disabled client, there a couple of guys I see who have mobility issues and other disabilities, but who are (like I said) red blooded humans who want and desire sexual contact but, because of their situations, really find it difficult to find.

Are they really just exploiting me? Isn't it (when you really think about it) almost the other way around? I mean they are paying me $3-400 an hour for what should essentially be free and is for most people.

I wonder if this "friend" of mine has ever heard of Accsex and the fabulous work they do. I seriously doubt it. But I can tell you that every single person involved in that program would be so very insulted by her attitude. And saddened. Really really saddened.

Then there are my female clients. I actually see more and more women these days, but there are two I see a lot. One is a bored bisexual housewife who likes to spend days in bed watching lesbian porn and eating pussy, and the other is a lesbian who works such long hours and travels so much she has no time for a relationship or even to meet someone for casual sex.
Is she exploiting me? Is she just some fucked up, sleazy misogynist who wants to humiliate and use me?

There's Gary who has just been divorced and really doesn't want a relationship, but still wants to have sex. There's Fred who, at 30, was still a virgin and was scared he would disappoint a potential mate so wanted some tips. Harold is 70 and his wife died last year. We don't have sex but he likes to cuddle and talk about the days when he and his wife had a wonderful sex life. Actually a lot of my clients don't want sex. They want company and conversation.

Susan has really bad endometriosis. Like really severe. She cannot have sex at all. It is painful and uncomfortable and upsetting. And I mean all sex. Not just penetration. Unless she takes super-strong pain medication she finds all orgasms painful and, because the medication has some severe side effects, she really doesn't take it all that often.. But she really wants her husband to be able to have a sex life so she called me. I went out for coffee with her and we chatted for a long time about the whole thing and now, every month or so I go out to their place and spend an hour with her husband. Sometimes she is there, sometimes she isn't. But the arrangement works really well for them both and they have a wonderful, strong relationship.

I see couples who want to experiment and spice up their love life with a threesome. I see people who have lost their partners to illness and accident. I have even spent time with a very gay man who just wanted to make sure he was gay (long story, have blog about it, will post one day).
I do not believe a single one of these people is exploiting me or using me or treating me as just an object. To say that is almost like saying that I, as a woman, am not allowed to enjoy or be promiscuous with my sex life because enjoyable non-relationship sex is purely men's territory and anyway men only want sex to use women.
It is highly insulting to every single one of them (and to me) to make that claim.

Once again I will state that this job is my choice and I fucking love every damn second of it. To claim I do not is ridiculous.

In the course of the last few years writing my book I have spoken to over two hundred working girls and I can tell you for an absolute fact that out of all of them there are only three who entered into the job as a last resort for money, and that none of them did it to pay for a drug habit.

I will also tell you that in that bunch of two hundred there are law students, medical students and even a couple of police officers. There are mums and wives. There are women saving to buy a house. Women supporting their families because their partners are unable to work for whatever reason. And there are women who, like me, do it purely for the sex. Yes there's money involved. It's a job. But to say it's only about the money is stupid. I mean, would you do YOUR job for free??
The difference is that I rarely come home from work in a foul mood from dealing with all the shit most people deal with day to day with their bosses, work colleagues, and jobs they have to do. I get to play and laugh and joke and orgasm at my job.

This “friend” of mine claims to be a feminist. But, in my understanding, the word “feminism” it is about allowing women to have the right and freedom to make their own choices. Whether it has to do with work, voting, sex, autonomy, money, whatever. It is about choice and, in my opinion, that should not be conditional. It should just be.

End rant!
(PS All names have been changed)