DBad's Dos and Don'ts when waiting to hear back from a publisher

As you know I've finally finished my book and it is now out in the big bad world of slush piles and email inboxes with its fate is resting in the hands of whoever happens to be working in the office that day and picks it up to read.

This is a scary and nerve wracking process. The agony of waiting, the creeping doubt and uncertainty that is inevitable when you put your heart on the line and leave it there for someone else to deem worthy.

Once it is out there is nothing much else you can do but wait... And wait...

Here's a short list of dos and don'ts I have come up with to help pass the time and ease the unsettling madness that is sure to creep in once you've sent your baby off to the judge, jury and executioner of your words.

DO send the publisher a quick email or message to let them know you've sent them something and that you look forward to hearing back.

DON'T send them endless emails and tweets and Facebook messages and Instagram pics and phone calls and carrier pigeons asking if they've read it yet and what did they think and don't they know they're missing out on the next JK Rowling and your entire future happiness depends on their saying yes and that you just can't cope with the waiting oh my god won't somebody read it!

DO give it some time. Some publishers can take up to six or even nine months to get back to you. If you don't hear back in a couple of weeks, or months, it's not because they hate you, it's because they have hundreds of manuscripts sent to them and who knows where yours is in the pile.

DON'T wear out your send/receive button and double check your spam folder every ten minutes. Not only will you disappoint yourself and send yourself mad, you will also end up buying penis enlargement tablets and sending Nigerian princes your bank details in a fog of frustrated tears and confusion.

DO find something else to do while waiting. Start another project, write blogs or articles that accompany your book and self promote them via social media, go for walks, take up a hobby, paint your house, fix your garden, take your mind off the wait.

DON'T pull out your hair, curl up into a ball, weep in the corner and eat an entire family sized bag of m&ms every day while you wait. Trust me. It's not good for your skin.

DO remember you're a valid person and your project is valid and that there are other options open to you other than getting published by a major publishing house. Remember JK Rowling was rejected umpteen times for the first Harry Potter book and now she owns a castle.

DON'T lose hope.

Now where did I hide that bag of m&ms...

Taste The Passion!

I am a pretty passionate person. I like to get fired up about all sorts of things. Good, bad, everything.

Like, I get fired up and angry every time I see a dumb article or Facebook post that perpetuates hate or bigotry. Anti asylum-seeker stuff. Dumb fake “news” about Christmas being banned and how much we should all hate Muslim people. People who use false and proven wrong claims about autism and mercury poisoning to endanger their kids (and others) by not immunising... These things get my blood boiling and make me want to kick faces.

On the other side there are the things that get me passionate and fired up that are positive things. For example, if I am reading a good book I want, nay need, everyone to know how amazingly brilliant and clever and exciting it is. I talk about the characters as if they were friends and I feel a sense of loss or sadness if something happens to them in the story or when it ends. When I meet people I connect with or admire I become like their cheer squad. “Person, person Rah Rah Rah!! Yaaaayyyy PERSON!!” (without being too clingy or annoying... No really). Extreme sports stunts, crazy magic tricks, amazing live acts. These things get me excited and passionate.

And then there are the things I get passionate and fired up about that are just plain silly. That people look at me and go “Is she serious??”

Sad thing is... I usually am.

One of these things, which I just cannot get out of my brain, is the new Skittles ad.

I know right.

Bear with me.

For those who haven't seen it... This is the ad

I love this ad. I love it so much I want to marry it. It's funny. It's weird. It's just... Well... What we have come to expect from Skittles... But it frustrates me. It frustrates me to the point of irritating everyone around me when the ad comes on.

I mean, yes, it's great... But (and here comes the dumb) I cannot help but wonder about the rest of this guy's world outside the confines of the 45 seconds we see.

Okay, wonder is not the right word... I obsess over it.

I mean everything he touches turns to Skittles. He laments over not being able to hold his newborn child... But how did he ever have sex in the first place to become a father? How does he scratch his nose or go to the toilet and wipe his arse?

HOW WAS HE EVEN BORN???? Did his mother explode into skittles and he kind of appeared in her place? Do the Skittles he creates become even more Skittles when he touches them? How did he even get a job where his sole purpose seems to be answering a phone and using a computer in what looks like a library where books are read... BY HAND??

Also, he isn't a young guy. Did this affliction come later on in life? Why isn't he in a protective cell? Why isn't he being punished for effectively murdering a dude on his way to work that morning on the bus. HOW DID HE USE HIS MYKI!!!! These are the big questions, people. There is just no sense or reason outside the ad and I cannot deal with it! This is what keeps me up at night.

Yes. I am a bit crazy... But hey. I'm cute and funny... So I think I can get away with it. Skittles anyone?

The Ups and Downs of it...

(A re-done edited version of an old People Mag column)

Someone asked me the other day, “How much sex is too much?” And I jokingly replied, “I’ll let you know when I get there.”

I'm lucky. Working hasn’t affected my non-professional sex-life in any way at all (except in the positive). I still enjoy sex as much as always and have found, through my work, a whole bunch of new and exciting things to do and try but, when I thought about it a bit more, I did come up with something.

Now, I bet you’re probably thinking I'm gonna say something about “too much” being in a walking-like-a-cowboy-can’t-sit-comfortably-for-a-week kind of way, but I wouldn’t refer to that sort of sex like that at all – I mean, that might make it seem like I thought that was a bad thing… No, I’m thinking about those times where one hour seems to go for three and I just can’t wait for it to end.

Let me first clarify and make something very clear, it’s never about the client’s looks, experience, size (be it cock or body), or things like that at all. I never have, and never will judge anyone on those superficial and aesthetic things. No, the times when it really just gets too much has only ever come down to one or two things, and when I say come down… Well, I guess you could say that’s one of them.

Again, let me explain and be very very clear, I’m not talking about the problems some men have with impotence and premature ejaculation. That's a very real issue and one I spend a lot of time talking to people about, giving advice on and suggesting tricks and techniques and products to use and I would never look at that circumstance in such a selfish or negative way. I know how bloody frustrating it is for guys who have to deal with that situation. Also, I’m not even talking about the guys who have been out on the piss (or other stimulants) all night, and are having a communication breakdown between their top and bottom brains – I gotta tell you, it’s usually more their breath than their boner that’s the problem. No, it's none of these things at all. They happen. It's life. But, what I am talking about is when those guys, for whatever reason (medical issues, substance based, stress or emotionally caused), lose the moment halfway through but then completely refuse to accept it.

Like I've said, I know sometimes it goes soft and that’s okay, shit happens. Sometimes it comes back (Yippee!!) and sometimes it doesn’t (Aw bummer) but if, unfortunately, it doesn’t come back then I’m sorry, but sex is just not going to work. It just isn't.

Like any self-respecting nympho I have a very strict condom rule. If it’s not on, it’s not on, and unfortunately if it’s not up then you can’t get it on, or keep it on if it happens halfway through. A limp cock in a condom is a very ineffective tool and there’s nothing worse than when a guys tries to keep using it.

It’s like trying to thread cooked spaghetti through a needle. Not only is it a virtually impossible task but it’s also one I cannot see the purpose of at all. He just gets frustrated and pissed off at himself as he awkwardly and unsuccessfully tries to push it inside me which, to be honest, feels horribly like a loosely wrapped slug being pressed against me. To make things just a little bit worse, those people who know me know I have a rather horrid (if not somewhat ridiculous) fear of slugs and so the whole sensation and thought of it just makes it all that much worse.

But really, it’s that stubborn refusal to give up and admit that it’s not going to work that frustrates me the most and makes it endlessly tedious.

Seriously, guys, there are so many other things we could be doing that are way more fun and sexy rather than getting yourself all worked up and upset and stressed out about “doing it”. And not only that. I mean, aside from my own personal exasperation and boredom, it just seems like a waste of your money.

So, ironically, I suppose what I’m saying is the times it’s been a bit too much, is when there’s not been too much of anything at all!