The Problem With ProLube... Or, Do You Even Vagina, Bro?

Okay, folks... Strap yourself in cos we're going on a helluva ride!

This one is a doozy! It's got everything you could hope for in an adventure ride. It's got twists and turns, false claims and weird science. It's got insults and lies and, best of all, MAGIC!!!
(It also has a shit load of links and screenshots so bear with me),

I'm also not the first person to blog about this.

There have been quite a few others as concerned as I am including @EmmelinePeaches and her great blog, @DangerousLilly in her Tumblr, and @cbpolis who uses her blog on this topic to show how and where you can complain.

But now... Let the ride begin!!

By now, if you're a follower of mine on Twitter, you're probably aware of the company "Use to Believe" and their magic wonder lubricant, ProLube. I was alerted to it by a good friend and gorgeous sex worker @NtyNikki and, after having a look at the website and reading it all for myself, I decided to take to the mean streets of Twitter and use my connections within the sex industry world, the sex blogger world and the science world to question, investigate and highlight the very big concerns I have about this product.

But first, if you're not aware... Let me tell you about ProLube...

<insert sarcasm font and put on your tin foil hats>

ProLube is so amazing that you won't even be able to believe how amazing it is unless you use it. It will totally science the hell out of your vag. So much so that one application will have you lubricated all day and, just a mere ten hours after that you'll be way horny and aroused as fuck because our magic lube is also a magic-lady-hornifier. Ooh and it will totally clear up your pimples and that nasty vagina-smelling vagina smell girls have. It will make all your period cramps totally gone - except for the fact that you shouldn't use it during your period - and, most super awesomely and magically of all, it will protect against STIs including HIV (but only if you use a condom.... and, like, if you do get HIV or something while using it then it's totally the condoms fault and you should sue the condom company). And it absolutely, totally, 100% works. Honest! I mean sure, there are no clinical trials or evidence or independent testing or scientific backings or any of that pesky “proof” people like to go on about because that's unnecessary and anyway, for safety reasons we decided not to do any tests. You just have to use it to believe it. But no, I'm not going to tell you what's in it. You're far too dumb to understand how the ingredients will work anyway, and, like, you totally wouldn't believe it anyway. It's like magic.

Seriously. You cannot make this shit up.

Out of all the strange claims and bizarre logic and weird science, one thing this dude has correctly surmised is that I am not a scientist. He's right. I'm not. I have a pretty crap brain for it actually... So, when he finally (after days of being asked by many people) posted this link to the "Science" and told us that it was “too advance” I agreed.

Although, as you can see, he underestimated the folks of Twitter... And also my gorgeous friend who shall henceforth be referred to as Bec the Sweary Science Bitch - @bklistingblog - (seriously, she's awesome. Think SciBabe with a Mauritian tilt and an obsession with Star Trek). Bec is not a nuff brain like me. She is a certified, legit, all powerful sciencer with bachelor degrees in Science, Biomedical Science and Health Science. She is a clinical innovation specialist with a focus on global health and microbiology and is an all round smart cookie who knows her shit when it comes to the science of germs and diseases and how all that shit works.

So I sent it to her.

After she finished laughing and asking me “what the fucking fuck, is this dude actually serious, holy fuck what?” She sent me a tell-me-like-I'm-five summary.

For the TL;DRs – It's bad science. It makes no sense. It's guesses at best, and lies at worst... Oh, and according to a couple of other sciencer Tweeps who read it too, a lot of it also seems to have been stolen from other writers, cut and edited, and then pasted together with perhaps ProLube itself.

For the rest, here are the screenshots of her awesome sciencey summary and notes to the author of it:

But enough of the science for now. We have already established I am not a scieney scientist, but something I am, and something I am very proud of being, is a sex worker. Yeah, it's been a while since I've done a job, but that doesn't matter. In my head and my heart I will always be a sex worker.

I am also a sexpert. I research, write, talk about and educate on sex, sexuality, sexual practices and sex work and one of the things that has really bugged me about this whole crazy ride through Lube Town is this company's hijacking of the Red Umbrella symbol and the incredibly ignorant and condescending marketing towards sex workers.

For those who are unaware, the red umbrella is an international symbol of sex worker solidarity and respect. It is special. It is important. And it is ours.

What this person (or persons... who knows how many whackjobs are involved in this scheme) fails to understand, and refuses to acknowledge, is that sex workers not only don't need this help, they also do not want it. Outside sources (read: people not associated in any way with sex work) who claim to want to help, protect and save sex workers are uniformly rejected and avoided, and often hated, by sex workers. They have no knowledge of our work, what we do, how we do, or why we do it. They have assumptions and guesses based on propaganda and whorephobia and, 99 times out of 100, they get it all dreadfully wrong.

This was evident when Mr ProLube was asked why he was marketing to sex workers. His reply? Basically, because sex workers have lots of sex with random people, they don't know who, or what infections, said random people might have.

Well duh. That's not fucking rocket science. But, the thing is, we already know this, buddy. We aren't fucking idiots.

The fact of the matter is that sex workers have one of the lowest rates of STIs than ANY OTHER DEMOGRAPHIC.
Do you know why this is?
Because sex workers are very fucking aware of the risk associated with the work they do and take many many precautions against this. Sex workers are masters of condoms and masters of STI spotting. They can tell the difference between a milk spot and a genital wart. Between eczema and herpes. They can tell if that crusty shit on a penis is just that the dude hasn't washed properly, or if he has gonorrhoea. They. Know. Their. Shit. They are regularly tested and regularly updating their knowledge on all thing sexual health. Because of this, sex workers are the first people who will jump up and down with damn good authority and tell you there is no way, without any proof, scientific data, clinical trials and independent testing and reviews, that they will believe your lube can prevent HIV and other STIs, or waste their well-earned money buying it to find out.

And what about sex workers in countries and places where the education on STIs and protection may not be as prevalent as it is in Westernised places like Australia and the UK etc? 

Well they are precisely the people who need to be warned against this stuff. These are women (yes I know not all sex workers are women but this is marketed as a female lubricant) who will listen to this woo-science and believe it. These are women who will stick this lube inside them and believe they are safe from disease. These are the women who will die because of this false advertising and irresponsible bullshit.

Something sex workers will also tell you, and everyone else they can get within earshot, is that despite your insistence that it's true, and despite your pretty little web page telling us so, there is absolutely NO CURE FOR HERPES!

Yes, you heard me right, folks. Mr ProLube also has a product that he claims (again without any proof or science backing or trials) will cure herpes.

He says someone he knows used it once and their herpes magically disappeared and they were cured (but for best practices you should apply thrice).

This is impossible. There is no cure for herpes. There just isn't. There are creams and pills and stuff that can help lessen your outbreaks and maybe even prevent you from getting an outbreak at all... But there IS NO CURE. The herpes virus is with you for life. It is highly contagious and completely incurable.

The fact that this company is making these outrageous claims is worse than just irresponsible. It's deadly. I urge every single one of you reading this blog to report them. Not just to Twitter, because although that may disable a platform of theirs it won't actually stop them from selling their nasty magical lie lube, but to the relevant authority in your country. The TGA. The FDA. Even The ACCC or relevant Consumer Affairs board in your country.

Oh, don't you worry, Mr ProLube. That is exactly what I will do. Because this shit is bad. And, quite frankly, I'd like to see it die a horrible death before someone who believes their lies does.

The Ups and Downs of it...

(A re-done edited version of an old People Mag column)

Someone asked me the other day, “How much sex is too much?” And I jokingly replied, “I’ll let you know when I get there.”

I'm lucky. Working hasn’t affected my non-professional sex-life in any way at all (except in the positive). I still enjoy sex as much as always and have found, through my work, a whole bunch of new and exciting things to do and try but, when I thought about it a bit more, I did come up with something.

Now, I bet you’re probably thinking I'm gonna say something about “too much” being in a walking-like-a-cowboy-can’t-sit-comfortably-for-a-week kind of way, but I wouldn’t refer to that sort of sex like that at all – I mean, that might make it seem like I thought that was a bad thing… No, I’m thinking about those times where one hour seems to go for three and I just can’t wait for it to end.

Let me first clarify and make something very clear, it’s never about the client’s looks, experience, size (be it cock or body), or things like that at all. I never have, and never will judge anyone on those superficial and aesthetic things. No, the times when it really just gets too much has only ever come down to one or two things, and when I say come down… Well, I guess you could say that’s one of them.

Again, let me explain and be very very clear, I’m not talking about the problems some men have with impotence and premature ejaculation. That's a very real issue and one I spend a lot of time talking to people about, giving advice on and suggesting tricks and techniques and products to use and I would never look at that circumstance in such a selfish or negative way. I know how bloody frustrating it is for guys who have to deal with that situation. Also, I’m not even talking about the guys who have been out on the piss (or other stimulants) all night, and are having a communication breakdown between their top and bottom brains – I gotta tell you, it’s usually more their breath than their boner that’s the problem. No, it's none of these things at all. They happen. It's life. But, what I am talking about is when those guys, for whatever reason (medical issues, substance based, stress or emotionally caused), lose the moment halfway through but then completely refuse to accept it.

Like I've said, I know sometimes it goes soft and that’s okay, shit happens. Sometimes it comes back (Yippee!!) and sometimes it doesn’t (Aw bummer) but if, unfortunately, it doesn’t come back then I’m sorry, but sex is just not going to work. It just isn't.

Like any self-respecting nympho I have a very strict condom rule. If it’s not on, it’s not on, and unfortunately if it’s not up then you can’t get it on, or keep it on if it happens halfway through. A limp cock in a condom is a very ineffective tool and there’s nothing worse than when a guys tries to keep using it.

It’s like trying to thread cooked spaghetti through a needle. Not only is it a virtually impossible task but it’s also one I cannot see the purpose of at all. He just gets frustrated and pissed off at himself as he awkwardly and unsuccessfully tries to push it inside me which, to be honest, feels horribly like a loosely wrapped slug being pressed against me. To make things just a little bit worse, those people who know me know I have a rather horrid (if not somewhat ridiculous) fear of slugs and so the whole sensation and thought of it just makes it all that much worse.

But really, it’s that stubborn refusal to give up and admit that it’s not going to work that frustrates me the most and makes it endlessly tedious.

Seriously, guys, there are so many other things we could be doing that are way more fun and sexy rather than getting yourself all worked up and upset and stressed out about “doing it”. And not only that. I mean, aside from my own personal exasperation and boredom, it just seems like a waste of your money.

So, ironically, I suppose what I’m saying is the times it’s been a bit too much, is when there’s not been too much of anything at all!

Condom Conundrum

In response to a reader's comment last night about the fact that I don't mention condoms in my blog...

There's actually a reason for this and I wrote about it a few years ago for People Mag... This is taken straight from the archives of my old People Mag file. I haven't edited it or re-written it, it's pretty much exactly how it was in the magazine...
Hope this explains things!
xxDB 

  Someone pointed out to me the other day that I don’t talk too much about condoms in my stories. That even though they are full of fucking and sucking and various positions and parties, the guys never seem to be sheathed.

Well, let me assure you all that I never work without a rubber. Ever. It’s just bloody common sense really.

I have, on some nights, fucked up to six or seven guys and, as much as I enjoy losing myself in tingling ripples of pure pleasure, there is no way I would ever get so lost I’d forget something as important as that.

I suppose the main reason I don’t mention them very often is that, even though they are a necessary part of my job, it just isn’t the sexiest thing to slot into an erotic tale. I just don’t think it’d work. Like this…

John sat beside me and watched hungrily as I lay back, naked and smooth, against the pillows.

My skin buzzed as he nibbled at my neck and teased my throat with his fingertips before moving to linger at my nipples, teasing them til they were standing up hard.

He continued down, running his hands and tongue all over me until, cupping my arse firmly in one hand, he pulled me up off the bed towards him and pushed a couple of fingers from his other hand deep inside me. He rocked me back and forth and I couldn’t help but make little noises and move my hips in rhythm with him.

Then, pushing deeper still, he raised me even higher off the bed and began to pull me slowly towards his mouth where he began to lap ever so gently against my soft folds and my eagerly swelling clit. The soft sliding of his tongue blended together with the hard fucking of his hand was an amazing combination and my body tensed and shuddered as the two extremes took over.

His cock throbbed next to me and I reached over, holding it in my fist, feeling each pulse run through my body like an electric shock ending at my pussy, which ached to be filled by him...

I rolled away for just a second and reached over to my bag, where I rummaged around for a little bit, finally pulling out the little square packet, tearing it open and pulling out the lubricated condom. I held it over the head of his cock and, squeezing the tip gently, rolled it down over his shaft, trying hard not to catch the pubic hairs in the tight sleeve…

See what I mean? Something in the telling just takes away from the story and, as much as nearly everything I have ever written about in this column is true, I don’t think there’s that much harm in omitting certain details. Of course, I can’t omit them when I’m at work so I just try and incorporate it into the fun. In fact, I can put a condom on better with my mouth than I’ve ever been able to with my hands… But that’s another story. 

Added Comment about oral sex on me (which I used in my response to reader's comment):
Oral sex is a tricky one, there are dams but I find them to be quite useless to be honest. I use my own discretion when it comes to allowing natural oral on me. Over the years one becomes quite good at subtly looking for anything that could be detrimental to my health.