The Missing Lessons... Sex Education and LGBTI Youth.

As I have been reiterating throughout my last few blogs, sex education in schools needs a major overhaul. New conversations need to be had, new topics need to be raised, and new approaches must be made. The classes barely scrape the surface of the vast universe that is sex and there is one group of teenagers who are really suffering and missing out on vital information that specifically speaks to them. LGBTI youth.

In the course of writing my book, A Girl's Guide To Getting Off, I drew on many sources for research, inspiration and information. A lot of it came from my own personal experiences and memories as a teenager and, from talking to many teens, I found that not much has really changed at all. All kids go through what we went through. Sure, the technology and fashion may have changed, but really, that's about it. Kids today have the same doubts, fears, questions and desires as I did way back in the olden days of the early 90s (no, seriously, my daughter once asked me if the world was black and white when I was a kid).

The one thing that I found hard to draw on personal experience from, however, was LGBTI issues. Although I identify as bisexual now (and always had girl crushes and things throughout school) I don't think it was ever something I really thought about much beyond the desire of wanting to try it out (which I did). But because I was always attracted to boys as well, and that's where I focused most of my sexual energy, I never felt I really missed out or was excluded from the conversations we had about sex.

One of my close friends, however, missed out big time. She never told anyone she was gay, not until we had all left school and moved on with our lives, but in a conversation we had recently she told me how isolated she had felt in those classes. How abnormal and weird. That because she had absolutely no desire to have children one day and even less of a desire to have a penis anywhere near her vagina, she thought that perhaps there was something wrong with her.

The only time people ever really mentioned “gay” was when the footy jocks were picking on one of the nerdy kids, lesbians were thought of as big, angry, leather jacket wearing hard-arses, and I think most of us thought transsexuals were drag queens. There was no talk of same sex couples or of same sex sex in our health and sex classes. There was literally nothing.

Fast forward 25 years and, even though these days most kids are aware of the diversity of relationships and many of them are angry and confused about the inequality towards same sex marriage and other discriminations that occur for LGBTI people, the education they are receiving in schools is as backwards and silent as it was back then.

Like I said, I have no real experience of being a gay teenager. I can really only imagine how hard it would be to be going through the things all teenagers go through, and having this added worry of coming out, being accepted by your parents, and trying to figure out what this crazy sex thing is all about. I mean, at least straight kids get a basic understanding of the act and what is supposed to happen.

Because of my lack of experience and knowledge on the subject I spoke with quite a few teenage girls who identify as queer and talked to them about the education they were or were not receiving and any discrimination they felt they were subjected to.

Here's what some of them said in their own words.

“When we did sex ed, one of my friends asked how lesbians have sex. Our teacher sent her out of the room. She wasn't even asking in a rude way. She just wanted to know. I was too scared to ask anything after that” - Kim 16

“There's no way I'd even bring it up. Half the kids in my school have no idea what trans is anyway. I don't even know if I know. But I won't find out at school” - J 16

“One of my friends went to our care support teacher and complained about people who were making homophobic remarks, as they were 'triggering' him. She told him that he shouldn't talk about the fact that he was gay, because that was a 'trigger' to homophobic people. It made several of my friends and I feel very unsafe and not cared for.” - Heather 16

“When we did sex ed I said something like 'Gross. I don't want a penis anywhere near me. I'll take a vagina any day!' I was sent to the principals office and he told me I had been offensive. When I asked him why, he refused to tell me.” - Kayla 17

“My dad is gay too. It's just the two of us at home. When I asked about gay sex in our health class my teacher said they weren't allowed to talk about it and I should ask my parents. I asked her what a gay man would know about lesbian sex. She got really embarrassed and didn't look at me for the rest of the class” - Penny 15

Over the past eighteen months I have learnt one thing that, although I always kinda gathered, has been proven and has stuck with me. Kids aren't stupid. They've never been stupid. They just have stupid adults around them telling them what they can and can't think, what is acceptable, and what is unacceptable to talk about, especially in the sex education classroom. But it's wrong. These are our kid's lives, their heads, their personalities and sexualities and it is absolutely unfair to exclude them in the conversation for any reason at all.

It's not just about the LGBTI kids either, it's about all of them. It's about modelling acceptance and tolerance (I hate that word). It's about including every colour of the rainbow in our teachings about sex and relationships so that no kid feels alone or weird or a freak just because of who they are attracted to and so that no kid feels it is right and justified to exclude or discriminate against someone because of their sexuality.

Because although kids aren't stupid, they can be sponges who pick up everything they see and hear and it's our job as adults and teachers and guides to make sure everyone is treated equally and fairly and that all education, including sex, is encompassing and inclusive.

Sex Screen

Sex is a funny thing, and I mean that quite literally. I think the term “bumping uglies” is one of the most accurate when it comes to the actual act itself.

Sure, you can go on about the romance of “making love” and the idealism of “seeing fireworks” and all those flowery terms, but really, when you think about it, the sweaty, grunty, almost desperate act of sex and the (hopeful) end result of orgasmic climax is quite often bloody hilarious.

Unfortunately, though, a lot of people get so caught up in these romantic ideals that, when sex doesn't match up to their expectations, they can end up feeling a bit empty and lost and, in the worst cases, totally turned off and feeling like they're doing something wrong.

Part of the problem comes from the images and information we are constantly fed by magazines, TV and movies. Soft lighting and Vaseline lensed cameras showing beautiful people moving slowly together in a passionate and sensual embrace is all very well for entertainment's sake but it really doesn't give a realistic view of what sex actually is.

It doesn't show the sweat soaked, brow-crumpling concentration face that guys often make when they're in the throes of passion. It doesn't show that awkward legs and elbows “hang-on-a-minute-while-we-change-positions” moment and it most certainly never shows the “stop-what-you're-doing-and-put-a-condom-on” part. In short, it's a big old lie and really shouldn't be taken seriously.

This all became even more obvious to me the other day when I was at home watching a movie. I can't remember the name of it, it was one of those Midday movie tear-jerker things where the main character (usually played by some aging has-been old sitcom star) is searching for her kidnapped child, or running away from her abusive husband, or is the small town girl trying to make it big in the scary city (or maybe she was a small-town girl in the big bad city searching for her child who's been kidnapped by her abusive husband... You know the ones) . Anyway, in one part of the movie she was having sex with this guy (not the abusive husband) in the shower.

I'm sure you can picture it. It was all wet and steamy with lots of slippery soap action and close up shots of water beading on skin and hands running over curves. So anyway, they were going at it, pushing up against the fogged up glass, when suddenly the shower screen broke and shattered on the bathroom floor. The passionate couple looked at it, laughed a bit, and then went right on fucking, as if nothing had happened. I think it was meant to be a slight bit of comic relief in what was essentially a heart-wrenching and depressing film, but it just didn't sit right with me.

In my cynical, and not to mention logical, mind I thought, hang on. What about the broken shards of glass all over the bathroom floor? What about the danger of slipping on all the soap that was lathered over them and the floor? And what was stopping them from falling and splitting their heads on the towel rack or sink now that there was no wall to stop them?

Surely someone had pointed this out to the director?

Surely Oc-Health and Safety had been over it with them?

Surely it was just common sense that the audience would find this unrealistic and insulting to their intelligence.

But then I started to think of some of the other movies I’ve seen where the viewer is supposed to be so swept away by the romance of the situation they forget that, in actual reality, it isn’t the sexiest of positions or places to do it in at all and I realised it's not just the cheaply made Midday movies that expect us to believe the unbelievable when it comes to sex scenes.

Take Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze for example. In that famous “Ghost” scene, with The Righteous Brothers crooning away in the background. They made pottery look like the most sensual and sexual experience you could ever have, but did you ever stop to think what would happen if they actually got to the bit where he went to put his hands, covered in half drying clumps of clay, down her pants? Yuck! Could there be anything worse?

Well, actually, yes. You know that timeless and classic image of Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster rolling around in the surf in “From here to eternity”? Well, let me tell you how completely wrong and misleading that is (and I am sure anyone who has ever attempted sex on a beach will agree with me). There is no shot of Deborah picking her sand-riddled bathers out of her butt, or Burt choking on a mouthful of seawater as the waves roll over them, and neither of them can be seen wincing as sand rubs where sand never should, or limping off at the end with a terrible chaffing rash.

What about that foggy, backseat of the car scene with Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic? Sure it's all “put your hands on me, Jack,” and sweaty hand trails down the window, but in reality, well, have you ever tried to have sex in a car that wasn't a fully decked out Sandman panel van? Apart from the lack of room to stretch out and the very real possibility of bashing your head on the roof, the gear knob is sticking up and into your most sensitive bits and it's most distracting when you accidentally hit the radio button with your foot and suddenly get blasted with the football commentary.

Having sex in a swimming pool is depicted in many movies (in fact the pool sex scene in Showgirls has been voted the all time worst sex scene ever) but the reality of it can actually be quite dangerous. I'm not just talking about the whole looking as if you're drowning thing (and if you've actually seen Showgirls, and I promise not to hold it against you if you have, you'll know what I mean) but the actual act of getting water thrust up inside your vagina, which is bound to happen when you're doing it in liquid, can be very bad for your health. In the same vein, sex in a sauna is not comfortable, and shouldn’t be attempted if you have a heart condition, and there is no such thing as surreptitious sex on the dance floor or in a public place. You might think no one knows what you’re doing, but trust me, we do.

Of course, don’t get me wrong. I’m not some “sex must be in a bed” kind of girl, and I’m not saying that doing it in the back of an Oldsmobile is always going be a bad experience, but if you’re looking for sex tips in movies, and would rather spend the time enjoying yourself and not figuring out the logistics of comfort and where limbs are going to go, then you might be better off going the Jenna Jameson way, rather than the James Cameron. You never know, you might even learn some new, and do-able, tricks!

But I really should make it clear. Although you might get some ideas of positions and costumes and different places to put things and the like, porn is definitely not something you should look at for realism in terms of things like penis size, endurance, the number of orgasms someone can have in the space of five minutes, or the ease in which a pool cleaner or girl serving at the milkbar will have sex with you.

In fact, in all reality, you shouldn't compare yourself, or your partner, or the sex you have to anything. It should be fun, enjoyable and mutually satisfying. On your own terms, in your own way and for your own reasons. Because, let's face it, sex is funny, it's a bit ugly looking and it can be a bit awkward. But if, at the end of it, your toes are tingling, your tummy is buzzing and you're ready to fall into an orgasm coma, who cares about the rest of it!

Happy Sex Lives To You All!
- Deliciously Bad. Writer of Stuff