Ask Eva: BSDM and Feminism. Can I submit and still consider myself a feminist?

Originally asked via the "Ask Eva"column in Birdee Magazine. I have been asked about this article/letter a lot lately so I decided to post it up here as unfortunately Birdee does not exist any more (RIP to the best young women's publication since Dolly in the 90s).

Hey, Eva,

I'm super curious about BDSM, but everything I find online is either about 50 Shades or is fake ass porn. What's it really like? Does it really portray abuse? Why am I interested in it but against abuse?!?

Hey there!

This is a really interesting question and one I get asked a lot. Especially within the boundaries of feminism.
How can women, who call themselves feminists, be even remotely interested in submission? Doesn't it go against everything we've been taught?

Well actually, no. It does not. And, once you sort a few things out in your head., it's actually not that hard to get your head around it at all.

Firstly, it's really important to separate the idea of “submission” from that of weakness. It isn't. It is actually quite a strong thing to give your power over to someone else. The trust and self belief you need to be able to do it is something that can make you a very strong and powerful person within yourself and all other areas of your life.

Secondly, you need to stop thinking of it in terms of “submitting to a man”. If you are a heterosexual person, then ultimately (although of course not always) your sexual fantasies, whatever they are, will most likely be in the area of your sexuality. If you are a straight female who is interested in submission, your dominant partner is most likely going to be a male. If you are a gay female, your dominant partner is most likely going to be female. It's not about submitting to a man... It is about submitting. There are subs and Doms in all areas of sexuality. Gay, straight, bi, poly... Everywhere.

Thirdly, and probably most importantly, BDSM is not abuse. It isn't. It is healthy, consensual fun between two adults. The difference and it's a MASSIVE one, is the word consent. The Dominant partner is not taking anything without permission. They are not doing anything that has not been agreed to prior. They have been given the gift of your submission and that is something a true Dominant will treasure, and treat with the utmost care and respect. It is a huge responsibility to be in charge of someone's power, and yet, in a true BDSM setting, as much as it may not seem so from an outside perspective, the submissive has ALL the power.
They control the level of play, the boundaries in which they have set in place, they are in control of how far it goes, and the minute they want it to stop, it stops.

BDSM is not all about mouth gags and whips either. Sure, some people love that, and that's great, but if someone just wants to hurt you, and doesn't care about your feelings or your pleasure, then that is abuse. BDSM is actually very equal. The pleasure you derive from your submission should be equal to the pleasure the Dominant gets from being dominating. Because the thing is, pain isn't necessarily all that bad a thing. I love certain sorts of pain. And not just sexual stuff.

I love the pain of getting a tattoo. I love that omg-I've-just-boxed-for-an-hour-and-my-arms-are-gonna-fall-off pain. And sometimes I love the feel of a nice hard slap on my arse when I'm having sex. It's a totally different sort of pain that if someone was to randomly come up to me and slap me on the arse. Why? Well because it is intimate. It is a shared experience with someone I choose to be intimate with. And, like the amazing goodness of salted caramel, its the salty and sweet combination of pleasure and pain that just... Well... It works! It also works the other way round too. I enjoy being the Dominant side too and having someone else's pleasure and trust in my hands. It's a power trip in a very different way. It is a massive responsibility too, and it is up to me to make sure their pleasure is key, because knowing they're loving it... That's what gives me pleasure.

Look at it this way. When we kiss we often touch tongues. That's hot. That's sexy! But if some random person came up to you and just stuck their tongue in your mouth it would be gross. It would be rude. It would be abuse. But kissing isn't any of those things. Because you are mutually consenting to put tongues in each other's mouths.

I can totally get why it can seem so hard to understand from the outside, when all you have to go on is things like bad porn and Fifty Shades. The main problem with this book and film lies in the consent gauge. There are many many times where it feels like Ana is being controlled in ways she has not consented to nor feels comfortable with, and Christian Grey doesn't give a crap. It's all about him. That's abuse. Not BDSM. And that's what has got the BDSM community in such a rage about it. It doesn't portray a healthy relationship in any way.

I am going to leave you with the words of a good mate of mine, Dan. She not only holds a rather important managerial role in a large company, she is also a trained BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) fighter who mentors young Islamic women in BJJ and self defence and self confidence. She is a powerful and strong-minded feminist with a wicked sense of humour, a determined sense of self and social justice. She also lives in a full-time submissive relationship with her Dominant partner.

“As a manager, I spend most of my days telling people what to do. Whilst it's rewarding, it occurred to me that I needed something in my life to offset being so darn dominant. Enter my relationship dynamic. It was my choice to be utterly submissive to the man I love. It's my choice to relinquish all control and allow Him to call the shots with my body, mind and soul, especially in the bedroom. He coaches me through tricky situations, and gives me praise when I excel. We talk about EVERYTHING - sexual limitations, feelings, health - everything. Its so easy because there is never a power struggle. We are both feminists. This is, by far, the most rewarding relationship and experience of my life. My happiness level is off the chart. [my Dom] and I train together too so feel free to mention that I'm as strong as fuck, and frequently kick His sexy arse.”

Equality. Consent. Love. Trust. Understanding. What all strong relationships are built on. How you choose to express it and what you choose to do in the bedroom is entirely your choice and your prerogative. It's not up to anyone else to tell you what you like or don't like. Or what is degrading or not. It is only degrading if YOU feel degraded by it, not because someone else does. That's like me expecting you not to eat chocolate because I am on a diet. It just doesn't work that way. And yet, when it comes to sex, everyone is an expert in telling everyone else what they should and should not be enjoying or liking. And, unfortunately, sometimes feminists can be the worst at that.

Don't listen to it. It's between you and the people you choose to share it with. No one else. 
So go get exploring, and experimenting and remember, it's all about consent. 

No Little Girl and Other Lies

No Little Girl and other lies.

Not so long ago I wrote an article for the Eros Journal about the # PornHarmKids campaign that was centred around the idea that porn is dangerous for children and therefore should be banned. (You can find a copy of the magazine here: http://eros.org.au/NEJ/issue5/mobile/index.html

Look for issue no. 5 and flick to page 16)

On the surface this movement seemed fairly logical (of course no-one wants their kids accidentally stumbling across, or even deliberately seeking out, hardcore pornography) but when looked at a little deeper it was evident that it had far less to do with protecting children, and far more to do with sexual negativity, stopping conversations and sex education, as well as silencing performers and producers and those invested in the adult industry. To the sex-negative radical feminists that lead these movements anyone involved in the sex industry is either a rapist or a victim and anyone who deems to speak out positively about it is a brainwashed idiot who doesn’t care about women or children.

It’s definitely a clever tactic. I mean, there are few things that tug the heart-strings and create emotive responses more than the idea of children being hurt. In the plight to stop world hunger or extreme poverty the images we see on our TVs are of starved, dying children. When we talk car safety, germ cleaning, internet danger, food health, anything really we know that using children, or the phrase “As a mother...” is a clear and effective way to get people thinking with their emotions and are therefore far easier to sway to their way of thinking.

What’s wrong with that? I hear you ask… Of COURSE we don’t want children dying or hurt or damaged. Why is it so bad to protect the most vulnerable among us? We’re adults, that’s our job!

Well yes, of course, you’re right in many ways… But unfortunately for every good thing that comes from the idea of “protecting children” come those who would use our emotions against us, to spread misinformation and downright lies, all in the name of “Saving The Children”.

This is evident when it comes to groups like anti-vaxxers or pro-lifers. They also use photographs of distressed children to get their messages across. They use highly emotive language as well as clever tricks with language to “prove” their sides and dismiss anything spoken against it as conspiracy or “paid shills”, and are quick to delete, block or, in some extreme cases, antagonise and rally against people in the most horrid of ways (look at the anti Light for Riley people or Sandyhook “truthers” if you need evidence of this).

So yes. It’s clever. Really clever. We, as society as a whole, protect our young. We don’t want to see them hurt or upset, and so using them to highlight an issue or danger gives us that instinctual protector vibe and we feel obligated to help.

Probably one of the most distressing things we can think of when it comes to bad things that can happen to our kids is sexual abuse. The idea of their innocence being ripped away, their futures shattered. It’s horrible to think about and even more horrible to know it actually happens. A lot. To children all over the world from the richest suburbs to the most poverty stricken slums. No-one wants to think that this sort of thing might happen to their kids and so campaigns like #PornHarmsKids effectively draws on that as well as the age-old idea that sex itself - not rape or molestation, just sex- is bad and wrong and dirty for women to do unless, of course, they are married, and therefore any woman involved in anything to do with the sex industry must have been forced and is in need of rescue.

It is with these dirty tactics and sex-negative attitudes that the latest hashtag has spawned: #NoLittleGirl.

In the wake of the FOSTA/SESTA debacle (An American bill that claims to fight sex trafficking but that actually just puts sex workers in a lot of danger. For more info, and I absolutely encourage everyone to look into this and why it’s so dangerous, please read here: https://www.vox.com/culture/2018/4/13/17172762/fosta-sesta-backpage-230-internet-freedom ) radical feminists are using the sudden focus on sex trafficking versus sex work (newsflash, there is NO connection between the two) to once again demonise sex work and sex workers by stating that because no little girl would ever possibly dream of growing up to be a sex worker it is somehow proof that the sex industry is gross and dangerous and should be shut down.

Now, by using this logic can we also assume no little girl ever dreamed of cleaning up vomit and shit so therefore we should ban nursing or cleaning? Also I don’t know how many little girls grew up dreaming of working 40 hours a week behind a checkout, so sorry retail industry, you’ve got to go. In fact I could name a hundred jobs that no-one, girl or boy, would ever dream of doing when they grow up because they’re either gross or hard or boring or just terrible. I mean, when you think about it, that’s practically every job! The only difference being that sex work contains sex and sex is icky and bad.

But, regardless of that, the claim that No Little Girl ever dreams of growing up to be a sex worker is in itself false.

How do I know this? Because I was one of them. From the earliest age I can remember, before I knew what sex was, what orgasms were, what lust or love or desire was… Before any of that I knew I liked it. I knew about the sensations and the way it made me feel. I knew I wanted to explore it. As I grew up and learnt words to put to those feelings I got even more curious, and at whatever age it was that I finally found out some people have sex as a job it was something I wanted to do. I have since met hundreds of women who have said the same, and even more who have said they were fascinated by sex and sexual feelings as a kid even if they didn’t necessarily want to do it for work, hell even Dolly Parton claims she looks the way she looks because she modelled herself on the town hooker she once spotted as a child and was fascinated by.

It’s also important to note, because you will NEVER see anti sex work protestors speak of it as it ruins their narrative, that not all sex workers are women, and not all sex work clients are men. This is actually one of the most important omissions in their arguments because it shows the truth. That women using sex as work makes them uncomfortable because sex itself makes them uncomfortable. It’s got NOTHING to do with “protecting’ women and everything to do with “controlling” women’s sexuality and sexual independence, ironically just like what they say they are trying to fight. It’s a bizarre and twisted point of view that has stemmed from the backwards and dangerous way we speak and learn and teach about sex.

We drill sex negativity into children in so many ways, whether it’s referring to certain parts of their body as “rude” or punishing them for exploring themselves “Don’t touch there it’s dirty!” or expecting girls to be “pure” and policing the length of their skirts or bare shoulders. It’s not only ridiculous (there is nothing wrong with bodies) it’s also incredibly dangerous to their growth and development into a healthy adult. The thing is children DO think about sex or the good-feeling sensations they get in their tummies and, while sex itself is certainly not an act for children, the education around it must be positive and void of shame so that they can feel free and safe to explore and learn and have a solid base of facts and family and love to fall back on when things get tricky or confusing. And you know what? If any of those children do decide when they’re older that they want to work in the sex industry, it is up to us as the generation before to provide safe and healthy environments for them to do so. Pushing for a ban on the industry in the name of stopping trafficking is as useless as shutting down the local pharmacy because someone has a meth lab on the street. 

Sex work IS work. It is a valid and necessary job that provides comfort and intimacy and fun as well as financial security and independence for the people who do it. Regardless of if the provider is working from the penthouse suite of a fancy hotel or on the street, each of them, and every level in between, deserves respect and security and protection and the only way that this can be done is with decriminalisation. It doesn’t actually matter if YOU personally would never do that job or find it distasteful, it’s not about you. It’s about the fact that sex work is not ever going to go away and it shouldn’t have to. That sex trafficking is NOT the same and there are already laws and legislations in place for combatting it. And that as humans living on the same planet we have an obligation to make sure everyone doing a job is kept safe and has the same rights and protections as anyone else doing a job.

If you need any more proof that I am not alone and that sex workers and women around the world actually DID think about sex and pleasure when they were kids, go and search out the hashtag. In true internet activist style it has been taken over by sex positivity and stories from all over the world and all over the gender spectrum showing how false this claim really is and what a ridiculous logic leap they’ve taken.

In my activism and my feminism I truly believe that the only thing little girls should ever grow up not wanting to do is silence other women and stifle their choices (some of whom are the most vulnerable and marginalised in the world) and put them in unsafe and dangerous positions just because what they’ve chosen to do makes her feel icky. Listen to sex workers, provide them with rights not rescue, and join the fight for decriminalisation… And please, stop using children to clutch at your pearls. Their hands are only small and they’d rather be playing with Lego.

Review: Permission 4 Pleasure Box Set.

DISCLAIMER:

Morgana Muses; the owner, producer, writer and star of Permission 4 Pleasure films is my friend. In fact, she is one of the very best friends I have ever had. We met just as her journey was starting to blossom and I have watched her grow into the amazing, award-winning, much sought after feminist pornographer you see today. Her most recent award being the winner of Heartthrob of the Year at the 2015 Feminist Porn Awards.

I must also mention that I was involved with one of the films I am reviewing here, as a script consultant, and have spent many nights gas-bagging on the phone about scenes and upcoming ideas and projects, and always screeching with laughter, because we are so very funny together. Seriously. We should have our own show.

All that being said, I will be as objective and as neutral in this review as I can possibly be. Enjoy, and never forget to give yourself permission for pleasure. You're worth it.

Permission 4 Pleasure Box Set - A Review

Morgana Muses is an incredible woman who, in her late 40s, decided that being an unhappy wife and the mother of two gorgeous girls was not enough to keep her fulfilled. Her children were grown and almost ready to begin their lives away from the nest, her marriage was one of constant second guessing and depression and she wondered to herself “is this it?”

Taking an almighty plunge, Morgana left her life as “suburban housewife” and stepped into a world of erotic storytelling, freedom of expression and pornography... And she hasn't looked back. Her films follow this journey of awakening telling everyone, women, men, young and old, allow yourself to enjoy, express and indulge yourself. Give yourself Permission for Pleasure.

Winning numerous awards, including at the Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards, the CineKink film festival and being featured in international film festivals in Berlin, Paris and New York, Morgana is the new kid on the block making waves with her fantastic message.

Duty Bound

Winner Petra Joy Award 2012. Selected for Cinekink NYC 2014. Nominated Feminist Porn Award 2014

This is Morgana's first film. It is only a very short vignette (four minutes) but it encompasses a lifetime of emotion. An erotic tale of desire and the search for self, an awakening of passion and the epitome of what Permission 4 Pleasure is all about, all set to a gorgeous erotic film of mostly black and white.

I love this film. I love it for its message, for it's beauty. It's not a horny film. It's not porn in the sense most people think about, but that's the point. Everything we are taught by mainstream media about sex, pleasure and sensuality all fits into a neat little box. But desire is not something only one box can hold and it's time to speak to the many who prefer life outside that box.
Morgana Muses is that storyteller. And boy does she do it well.

New Tricks

This film is probably my least favourite of the lot. It has some amazing potential and would be really interesting to see her maybe re-do it now that her experience has grown.

The theme of this stays true to the running theme of P4P and is based on those ridiculous “How to Be a Proper Wife” handbooks from the 1950s.

You know the ones. Full of rules about ladies being seen and not heard and living life to fulfil the whims of their husbands.

Taking the rule book and twisting it to an erotic theme is not only clever, it's a great reflection on the life Morgana left and the one she has subsequently created.
My issue with the film is that I found the scenes (especially the first one) to be far too long and rather stagnant. There's not a lot of camera changes and I found the couple performing in the first scene to be as stagnant as the shots. Some more noise, some movement and some close up action would have jazzed it up a bit. It kind of looked and felt like they were mostly going through the motions rather than absolutely enjoying each other, which I reckon would have really improved it.

The second scene, the four girl orgy, was definitely better. These girls are very obviously enjoying themselves and each other. There's some of the most natural and body-shaking orgasms I've seen in recent years and you truly get a sense of connection, friendship and lust with these women. There's laughter and conversation and a real bond you can feel through the screen.

Again it probably could have been shorter, but it was definitely enjoyable to watch.

Music Box

Honourable Best Mention Cinekink 2014. Nominated for Feminist Porn Awards 2014. Selected Berlin Porn Festival 2014.

Starring internationally acclaimed, award winning feminist porn star Zahra Stardust this is another great film in which Morgana uses her real life experience to translate into art.

It's the story of a woman packing her bags as she reflects on who, what and where she is in life.
The discovery of an old music box sets her imagination and passion flaring and we see a glimpse into the mind of a woman desperate to break free of the bonds of normality and to be swept up into a dance of erotic freedom and self expression.

Showcasing her magnificent pole dancing skills as well as her very erotic and sexy self-pleasuring techniques, Zahra shows us what real sexual freedom can feel like.

I think the only think I don't like about this film is the fact that Zahra wears a full face mask throughout a lot of it and I personally do not like them. I understand the concept and why they chose to use the mask, we all wear masks, we are all Morgana inside at one stage or another in our lives, but for me personally I find them a bit weird. It's a mark of how good the film is that, even faced with something I usually find quite confronting and scary, I was still turned on and enjoyed watching.

A Call For Help

Selected Berlin Porn Film Festival 2014. Selected Cinekink 2015.

This is my favourite out of the whole box set. It could be because this is the film I helped work on, but I really do think it's more than that.

This film was definitely a step outside the box. This film is basically a comedy. Yes, you heard right, comedy porn.

And it works! It's funny! It's erotic. It tells a story. It's definitely something I am very proud to have worked on but I am even more proud of Morgana for creating this idea and concept and then being able to pull it off successfully.

This film tells the story of Rebecca who is trying very very hard to masturbate herself to climax.

We've all been there. Whatever you try, whatever you use, you just can't reach that peak. Frustrating!! So Bec decides to put a call out to her friends to help.

The film then follows her friends, via three short vignettes, who are all in their own erotic entanglements and unable to really help... Or are they?

Of the three middle stories, two of them have been recently selected to be played in international festivals.

Picnic Outside

Probably the weakest of all the vignettes, this one is a sensual scene of outdoor loving. There isn't a lot of comedy nor explicit sex in this scene, which is one of the reasons why I think it's the weakest, but the photobombing cat walking through centre screen at one stage certainly lightened it up.

As I mentioned this one is far less explicit than any of the others, but there are a couple of moments of erotic connection between the couple and that is quite lovely.

Happy Birthday Mistress - Selected for Nachtschatten BDSM/Fetisch Film Festival, Germany

Professional Dominatrix, Domina Vex, shows us how a Mistress expects to be treated on her birthday. With spanking and flogging and wrapping and even balloon popping, this small scene is abundant with fetishes without being overwhelming. The pure enjoyment on her face as she plays with her slave and celebrates her birthday is one of the reasons I love this scene. It is a joy to be allowed a glimpse into her dungeon and an honour to share her birthday treat.

The Mechanic - Nominated for Feminist Porn Award 2015

I love this scene. It's funny, it's sexy, it's erotic and it definitely shows us why Morgana is getting a reputation as having one of the “prettiest gineys in porn”.

When she takes her car to the mechanic he definitely gets to have a thorough look under the hood and gives a whole new meaning to the words “Drive Shaft”.

There is so much raw energy and erotic passion in this scene that you feel like you need to wind the windows down a little bit to reduce some of the steam.

The film wraps up like it begins, with colour, humour and a sense of real enjoyment by all who were involved. And that's the sense I get from almost all of her films. A real connection between the actors and the screen. A feeling of pleasure and friendship and of the bonds we create when we open ourselves up to erotic experience.

This box set is the start of what I know is going to be a long and successful journey for my wonderful friend. The accolades she is receiving from industry professionals around the globe are those often saved for veterans of the field. That these praises are coming so soon and in such volume for a relative new beginner is a testament to her vision, her hard work and her passion to make wonderful films and educate the world on living their own erotic truths.

She is an inspiration to so many and someone I am proud to know both personally and professionally.

The box set is available to buy from here and from there you can follow and stay informed about all the new adventures she is taking this year.

Why can't you just be a MOTHER??

I am about to do something I never in a million years thought I would ever do. Ever. I am about to stick up for Kim Kardashian. I know right. What the fuck?

I will admit it was only about a year or so ago that I found out exactly what a Kardashian was. Seriously. I thought it was a clothing line or a dog breed or something to do with Paris Hilton when I first heard the name. I don't follow celebrity news, I don't read or buy trashy magazines, and I have no interest in watching Entertainment Tonight or any of those things. So yeah. I didn't know who she was or why she was famous or even THAT she was famous. But I digress.
The second thing I am about to do that I never thought I would is to use a Kardashian in the same breath as feminism. I know. Strap yourself in... This IS going somewhere I promise.

I have (apparently) odd views of feminism. You see, I think of feminism as a thing where women can choose to be and do anything they put their minds to. Whether they decide to be a sex worker or a brain surgeon, if they have made the choice to be who they want to be, good on them. Power to you! Yeah sisterhood! I put “apparently” in brackets because I couldn't tell you the number of times I have been told that I am not a feminist because of the work I do, or I am just some silly little brainwashed thing who has been tricked into thinking I'm making my own mind up but really I am just a product of false consciousness and must be saved. Yawn. Yeah, whatever.

So, back to Kim Kardashian. She recently published a photograph of herself online. It's a pic of her in a pretty small leotard, posing butt-popped in the mirror. It's an okay picture. She has a fantastic booty. And, considering Kim Kardashian is famous for being famous and her butt is one of her most famous assets, I say whatever. Enjoy. Wish I had a butt like that.

Enter moral crusader and saver of women and identifier of all things feminist and otherwise, Mia Freedman.

Sitting up on her morally perfect high horse she writes of this picture “Are you a Mother or a Porn Star?” and then goes on to not only shame and ridicule the photograph but deem her some sort of bad mother because, god forbid, she has a body she is proud of and wants to show it off.

Well here is a big hearty fuck you, Mia. Who died and pronounced you god of motherhood and what mothers should do?

I bet you a hundred bucks if it was a picture of a woman posing post baby showing stretch marks or wobbly bits, Mia would declare it “brave” and “beautiful”. If it was a woman of plus size wearing a bikini and posing sexily Mia would post a blog on how wonderful it is that women are loving their bodies... But for some reason this offends her. She talks of the “whip lash” she got from looking at the booty pic and then a pic of Kim's new baby basically saying that, to her, a woman must be one thing once she has a child: A mother. A demure and pure and non sexual thing without any thoughts or ideas of personality beyond that of motherhood.

She goes on to deem the photograph “desperate and sad” because, you know, someone who is famous for having a body like that and showing that they still have a body like that after having a baby is somehow going against what we all know the Kardashians to stand for? Um... No.

You know what IS desperate and sad? The fact that Mia Freedman makes a hell of a lot of money shaming and judging other women for being whatever they choose, under the guise of some kind of concern for the children (won't somebody think of the children!!!!) and saying nothing of any real value or importance other than “look how morally upstanding I am and how shameful and wrong other people are who do things I deem shameful and wrong”.

The thing is, some mothers ARE porn stars. Some mothers are truck drivers. Some mothers stay at home and do the housework. There is nothing in the world wrong with a mother doing things other than being a mother. I know, from my own personal experience, if I was ONLY a mother I would go fucking crazy.

The biggest kick in the face really is the fact that unfortunately some mothers are not very good. Some mothers drink the grocery money and leave their children in dirty nappies and squalid conditions. Some mothers ship their kids off to everyone they can so they can have a social life and do not love or care for them the way they should. Some mothers abuse their children physically and sexually. This is where this outrage should be placed. Not on a picture of a woman (who happens to also be a mother) showing her butt off in a leotard.

I find the whole thing utterly repulsive. How dare you declare, in your oh-so-distateful way, that mothers cannot be sexy or proud of their sexuality. How dare you slut-shame. And, more importantly, how dare you make me get so pissed off I end up writing a blog in defence of a Kardashian! How very dare you!

(Because I have no intention of giving her any more traffic I have not posted a link to the offending blog here. If you want to see it, Google is your friend... But I won't lead you there.)

Legitimately Pissed Off

By now I am sure most of the internet is aware of the revoltingly ignorant comment about rape made by US congressman Todd Akin.
If you're NOT aware of what he said here is the quote:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Yes, that's right. REAL rape doesn't lead to pregnancy. So if you get pregnant from an encounter, obviously it wasn't "legitimate" and so you should shut the hell up and not ruin some poor blokes life with the accusation. How DARE you!

Yeah, @AngryAussie and I thought that was a bit of a FUCKING STUPID THING TO SAY so we made a video of it...

Enjoy

Video response with Angry Aussie to Caroline Norma's piece in the age where she calls for the re-criminalisation of sex work and refers to "Prostituted Women" being exploited and how bad "pimps" are...

Deliciously Bad Gets Ranty

I have a problem. The problem is I am angry. Really really angry, and I'm trying to write. I don't like writing when I'm angry because I find a lot of points get missed and lost and I get a bit shouty and sweary which, in turn, makes me look like a petulant child who hasn't got her own way
So I might just put down a few points now before I forget and then, come back to it all a bit later when I am feeling a bit calmer.

Okay. Slightly calmer rant... Slightly...

This all started on Saturday night when a friend wrote a Facebook status (and I will tell you now I am paraphrasing because this particular “friend” has since deleted me and I have no access to the actual status post to copy and paste it verbatim).
The status asked that if sex work was as empowering as some sex workers “claim” it is, would they then encourage their daughters to enter the profession? And then she went on to say no, of course they wouldn't because really it's a degrading and exploitative job and no-one should ever feel proud or “empowered” because of it.
She continued to quote (I say quote, but there were no actual links or anything) statistics that the majority of girls who work get into it solely because of drug habits and last resort desperation, and that the ones who advocate it as a positive thing are just kidding themselves because everybody knows there's nothing empowering or positive about sex work and it's never actually a “real” choice.

She says this knowing full well what I do, that I am also a mother to a daughter, and that my world, my job, my career has been built of the positivity of sex work.
I couldn't help but wonder if her whole status was a dig at me. If not completely she would have known full well that I'd not only see it and read it, but that I would also comment on it, and that I would comment on it the way I did, so why not block me beforehand, or make that particular “thought” invisible to me?
No, I think there was definite intention there for me to see it, and for me to respond.
So I did.
And I got blocked.

The thing is, when it comes to my daughter and what I will “encourage” her to do, it actually has nothing to do with a specific job or title and has everything to do with giving her the tools to make choices and decisions on her own.

I will “encourage” her to be a good and decent person. To treat others with respect and to not judge anyone by how they look, where they are from, who they love or what they do for a living. I will “encourage” her to make her own well-informed choices and live her life in a way that makes her happy, satisfied, fulfilled and confident. Whether that future job is as a surgeon or a sex worker is entirely her choice and, if I do my job as a parent properly, will be the right choice for her.

However the thing that really really pissed me off in her uninformed and ignorant rant was the idea that sex work is not empowering or a real “choice” and that all of us sex workers who claim it is are just kidding ourselves or have been “brainwashed” by the patriarchy into thinking it is.

I am going to put it in a very simple way.
I love sex. I fucking LOVE it. I have loved it before I even knew what it was or that there was such a thing as the patriarchy. All I knew was that something down there felt really good.
As I grew up and learnt more about it I loved it even more. And as I started to do it I realised I was really, really good at it.
So, something I really enjoy, am good at and can be paid to do is somehow NOT my choice?
I work for myself. I have no pimp, no manager, no brothel. Just me and a few advertisements dotted around the place, but I am being forced into this?
No. Really I am not. And to say that I am is insulting and ignorant.

Now we come to the whole “exploitation” thing. But before I go any further I will put in my usual disclaimer: I am aware that the sex industry is not perfect. I am aware there are many, many girls who are being forced into this work. Being trafficked and held prisoner. I know there are drug problems and that rapes and attacks happen. I know there are men who exploit this industry to the point of girls being killed while they work. I know this. I am not a fucking idiot. I have spent the last fifteen or so years researching, writing about, talking about and talking to sex workers. I know the drill. I know there is a horrible dark side and I would never ignore that or pretend it's not there.

However (and it's a pretty big however) every coin has two sides, and there are some really amazing, positive sides to the sex industry.
For example, when my “friend” goes on about the people who use the service, she claims they are all just degrading women and using women and seeing women as nothing but objects, I wonder what she would say to one of my clients who I will call Phil.

Phil was shot in the back when he was nine in an accidental farm incident. He has no feeling below his waist and is in a wheelchair. He is quite shy too and finds it very hard to talk to women, let alone have the courage to ask one out on a date or be intimate with.
But he is human. He has urges and needs and desires. He calls me every few weeks and I go and hang out at his house for a few hours. He's a funny guy and we get along great. He is a great kisser, considering he's not kissed all that many girls before, and really knows how to use his hands and tongue. Yes, he pays me for my time. That's my job. But there are times that I go hang out and have a coffee with him just on my own time because we get along. We chat on the phone sometimes if he is feeling lonely and I have even gone out to dinner with him and my husband. I genuinely like him and he genuinely likes me.
If it wasn't for me he would get absolutely no sexual intimacy at all and I think that's a real shame. Sex is a basic human need like food and shelter and (look at the problem with the catholic church) can turn people funny if they can't have it.
Phil is not my only disabled client, there a couple of guys I see who have mobility issues and other disabilities, but who are (like I said) red blooded humans who want and desire sexual contact but, because of their situations, really find it difficult to find.

Are they really just exploiting me? Isn't it (when you really think about it) almost the other way around? I mean they are paying me $3-400 an hour for what should essentially be free and is for most people.

I wonder if this "friend" of mine has ever heard of Accsex and the fabulous work they do. I seriously doubt it. But I can tell you that every single person involved in that program would be so very insulted by her attitude. And saddened. Really really saddened.

Then there are my female clients. I actually see more and more women these days, but there are two I see a lot. One is a bored bisexual housewife who likes to spend days in bed watching lesbian porn and eating pussy, and the other is a lesbian who works such long hours and travels so much she has no time for a relationship or even to meet someone for casual sex.
Is she exploiting me? Is she just some fucked up, sleazy misogynist who wants to humiliate and use me?

There's Gary who has just been divorced and really doesn't want a relationship, but still wants to have sex. There's Fred who, at 30, was still a virgin and was scared he would disappoint a potential mate so wanted some tips. Harold is 70 and his wife died last year. We don't have sex but he likes to cuddle and talk about the days when he and his wife had a wonderful sex life. Actually a lot of my clients don't want sex. They want company and conversation.

Susan has really bad endometriosis. Like really severe. She cannot have sex at all. It is painful and uncomfortable and upsetting. And I mean all sex. Not just penetration. Unless she takes super-strong pain medication she finds all orgasms painful and, because the medication has some severe side effects, she really doesn't take it all that often.. But she really wants her husband to be able to have a sex life so she called me. I went out for coffee with her and we chatted for a long time about the whole thing and now, every month or so I go out to their place and spend an hour with her husband. Sometimes she is there, sometimes she isn't. But the arrangement works really well for them both and they have a wonderful, strong relationship.

I see couples who want to experiment and spice up their love life with a threesome. I see people who have lost their partners to illness and accident. I have even spent time with a very gay man who just wanted to make sure he was gay (long story, have blog about it, will post one day).
I do not believe a single one of these people is exploiting me or using me or treating me as just an object. To say that is almost like saying that I, as a woman, am not allowed to enjoy or be promiscuous with my sex life because enjoyable non-relationship sex is purely men's territory and anyway men only want sex to use women.
It is highly insulting to every single one of them (and to me) to make that claim.

Once again I will state that this job is my choice and I fucking love every damn second of it. To claim I do not is ridiculous.

In the course of the last few years writing my book I have spoken to over two hundred working girls and I can tell you for an absolute fact that out of all of them there are only three who entered into the job as a last resort for money, and that none of them did it to pay for a drug habit.

I will also tell you that in that bunch of two hundred there are law students, medical students and even a couple of police officers. There are mums and wives. There are women saving to buy a house. Women supporting their families because their partners are unable to work for whatever reason. And there are women who, like me, do it purely for the sex. Yes there's money involved. It's a job. But to say it's only about the money is stupid. I mean, would you do YOUR job for free??
The difference is that I rarely come home from work in a foul mood from dealing with all the shit most people deal with day to day with their bosses, work colleagues, and jobs they have to do. I get to play and laugh and joke and orgasm at my job.

This “friend” of mine claims to be a feminist. But, in my understanding, the word “feminism” it is about allowing women to have the right and freedom to make their own choices. Whether it has to do with work, voting, sex, autonomy, money, whatever. It is about choice and, in my opinion, that should not be conditional. It should just be.

End rant!
(PS All names have been changed)