Bad Advice Throughout The Years

In the research for my book, A Girl's Guide To Getting Off, I have emailed, Skyped, Facebooked and talked face to face with dozens and dozens (maybe even hundreds) of women of all ages (from around 13 to over 70) about sex and the sex education they received and I have to say that on some topics I was sad to see that not a lot has changed over the years.

Across all ages I have encountered girls who had no idea what was happening when they got their period, women completely disgusted by the look of their own genitals, women afraid to touch themselves for all manner of reasons and fears, and girls told that what they wear or how they act will make them somehow responsible for their own rapes or sexual assaults.

Today I would like to share with you some of the bad advice they were given.

(All names have been changed)

On Periods

“I was bleeding. I had no idea what it was. I thought I was dying. I went and told my mother and she slapped me! Slapped me right in the face, gave me a packet of pads and told me to never speak about it again.” - Sue 71

“My mum came to me when I was about twelve and told me I would start bleeding from my private bits soon and that these [pads] would help soak it up. She didn't tell me what it was or why. Just that it would happen and happen a lot. It wasn't til I was about sixteen that a friend explained it to me. Up until then I thought it happened to boys too.” - Liz 50

“It happened at school camp when I was about 14. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was going to die. My year co-ordinator was so lovely. She gave me pads and told me what was happening. When I got home and told my mum all she said was 'You're a woman now.'” - Carly 18

On Boys

“Mum told me to never let a boy pay for everything on a date because then he would expect certain things. She didn't tell me I had the right to refuse or that he had no right to demand. Only that the best way to avoid it was to make sure you didn't 'owe' him anything” - Jessie 37

“I have always been told, since I was a kid, if a boy is mean to you it means he likes you. That's led to some pretty fucked up relationships I can tell you. I will never tell my kids that. If someone is mean to you, it's because they are a mean person. End of story.” - Anne 29

“My older brother has never had a curfew. I always have. When I questioned it my dad said it's because girls get raped and boys don't. When I said that maybe that should mean boys shouldn't be allowed out rather than stopping girls he told me I didn't know what I was talking about. Talk about double standards” - Debbie 17

On What You Wear

“My father telling me I wasn't leaving the house in that was almost constant. When my breasts began to get really big he made me cover them in a cardigan, no matter how hot it was. He told me it was because boys get ideas and he wasn't going to have his daughter be the one to give it to them.” - Sara 40

“My mum told me it was a shame I had big boobs because everything I wore made me look like I was asking for sex.” - Anne 29

“My mum always says if you dress like a slut you'll be treated like a slut. I've been treated pretty bad just in jeans and a top so I don't think she's getting the whole picture.” - Kerry 19

On Sexual Assault

“When I was 19 I was raped. I went to the police and they kept asking me what I had been wearing and if I had led him on. It was really horrible. The fact I had a black eye and scratches all over me didn't seem to matter. One of the cops even said if I hadn't made such a fuss maybe [the rapist] wouldn't have hit me so hard.” - Fern 50

“I had big boobs in high school. I got used to the boys trying to touch them and grab them when I walked past. If you complained they called you frigid. I actually didn't think about it til years later how completely wrong it was” - Jessie 37

“When I was in grade seven I complained to my teacher that the boys in my class were trying to feel me up. She told me 'boys will be boys' and to not encourage it by wearing my school skirt so short” - Hayley 17

On Losing Your Virginity

“On my wedding day [I was 22] my mother pulled me aside and told me that now I was a wife I had specific duties. One was to let him touch me with whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. She said it would hurt but I would get used to it.” - Carol 68

“My mum told me to save myself for marriage or I would get a bad reputation. She said it was okay for boys because boys needed the practice to make sure they were good husbands. It never made any sense! Who were they supposed to be practising on and why couldn't I practice to be a good wife? She never answered my questions. She just said not to do it.” - Jennifer 39

“My mum hasn't really said anything to me or my sister about sex. She gets really embarrassed about it. She gave us a book though. That helped us learn a bit more, but I don't know. The girls at school says it hurts.” - Alannah 15

On Masturbation

“My mother caught me masturbating in the bath once. She screamed and told me I was dirty and going to hell and that I was to never, ever touch myself there again. Of course I didn't listen. I just made sure I was more careful about where I did it.” - Sara 40

“My mum told me if I touched myself down there it would ruin my vagina (she didn't actually use that word. She just called them 'bits') and that no man would ever want to marry me.” - Anne 29

“My mum has never talked to me about it ever. I wouldn't know how to talk to her about it either.” - Hayley 17

                                                                       *****

So much confusion. So much wasted self doubt. So much bullshit! All in the name of what? Protection? Fear? All that has done for most of these women is left them feeling unsure, abnormal and completely unaware of their own bodies, their own sexuality, their own pleasure. Not a life I wish for my daughter, nor yours.

I absolutely believe it is imperative that we open the doors to honest and proper sexual education and allow teenagers to explore, learn and develop without any fear of judgement or punishment and without ridiculous scare tactics and untruths about what will happen.

Yes, sex is an activity that comes with responsibility and risk but then so is almost everything we undertake as we grow from children into adults. Let's be true educators. True guides. After all truth is knowledge and knowledge is the key to all greatness and that is what I wish for my daughter and yours.

Sex Education and the lack of it. Or, Why the hell did I write my book?

I have finally finished writing my book, A Girl's Guide To Getting Off, and other things you won't learn in sex ed.

It all began when I was running a group of skillshare events with a friend about sexual pleasure, sex toys and Gspots and all the good things sex can do and discovering how many women over forty had never had an orgasm or even knew what pleasures their bodies were capable of. They were telling me things like "I wish I'd learnt all this as a teenager. It would have saved me a lot of confusion, self doubt and bad decision making as an adult."
It got me thinking of my own sex education and what I wish for my daughter... And I looked and I looked, and I found very little age appropriate stuff on the matter of sex and pleasure and relationships and all of the things we are supposed to automatically know when we "grow up".
So... Being the go-getter that I am, and a person who knows quite a lot about sex, pleasure and how to get the best out of it, I wrote it myself. And below are just some of the many other reasons this book needs to be out there...

Publishers please take note, and check your slush piles. I'm sure it's hiding in there somewhere

Technology is amazing. I mean, the things we can do nowadays! I can have a live video phone conversation with someone sitting in a grass hut in Africa. I can go on a virtual deep sea dive in an almost inaccessible part of the world. I can read the entire works of Shakespeare and all the Mr Men books and then take a tour of The Louvre while listening to a live Doors concert and I don't even have to get out of bed!

The wealth of information that comes through these little lit-up screens in our hands and on our laps is so far beyond 2000 it's crazy. Everything can be found by Googling it and I mean everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. Really, really ugly.

Yes, technology these days is amazing, but it can be fraught with problems too. One of the main issues that comes from such a huge influx of information is that it can be tricky to separate the truth from the lies, the real from the fake. And, if we lack the ability to process all this information in a way that helps us understand what we are seeing, why we are seeing it and what it all actually means, it can become a very dangerous thing.

One of the groups most vulnerable to the exposure of false, misleading and damaging information are teenagers. The brain is still developing, traits like reason and risk management are still developing or changing, and (as we are all aware) teenagers already know everything, so they can't be logically explained to or told otherwise. And now, with this universe of information in their pockets, they can claim to be experts on almost anything and have the “proof” to back it up.

Now that's all well and good when it comes to the latest Xbox game or the season finale of The Walking Dead, but when it comes to things that can be potentially life changing and damaging we, as adults, parents, friends and members of the universe, have a duty of care to make sure our younger generations are given the right information and tools to move into adulthood with minimum damage. It's fantastic that all this information is out there literally at your fingertips, but giving kids free reign of it all and not helping them process and understand it is as dangerous as letting a toddler play with an oven and figure out for themselves why their hands are getting burnt.

And this is all too obvious when it comes to sex. Proper sex education of young people is in decline. Parents are too afraid or embarrassed to talk to their kids about sex and teachers are afraid of the parents' reactions to their teachings and therefore keep it so basic that nothing is really taught and real questions are not being answered,and so a lot of kids end up in situations they cannot understand or process properly.

It's an illogical circle really. I won't tell my kids about sex, pleasure, orgasms, safety, consent, relationships and then they will never ever do it til I think they're old enough to handle it, and in doing so push their kids to the step of finding it out for themselves and inevitably seeing and experiencing worse.

The thing is plenty of teenage kids are going to have sex. Whether you want them to or not. They will. They have been for generations. And will for years to come. It's normal exploration. Telling them not to doesn't work and telling them not to without any good reasons is even worse. Telling them that sex is dirty, dangerous, bad and wrong is also not going to stop them. What it will do, however is make sure they are uninformed, unsafe, irresponsible and completely against coming to you for any help or advice when things do happen that are less than desired like pregnancy, STIs or sexual assault.

I recently heard of a woman who kicked her 15 year old daughter out of her home because she had got pregnant. Her reason? “I told her not to have sex. She didn't listen. What will the community think of the sort of mother I am who lets her teenager get pregnant.”

I'd be more worried about what the “community” would think of me as a mother who throws a young, pregnant vulnerable child out onto the street... But maybe that's just me.

She hadn't taught her daughter about safe sex. About condoms or the pill. About any of that. She truly believed that no information and “banning” her from doing it was the way to go. It wasn't. It isn't. And it never will be.

In 2011 the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society conducted a survey among nearly 300 secondary school teachers of sexual health from every jurisdiction in Australia including government, Catholic and independent schools.

Some of the key findings were:

* Most sex education teachers are female teachers trained in PE and health.

* Sixteen percent of teachers had no outside training whatsoever, and the majority of those who did attended a one day seminar with only a single focus, which was mainly reproduction.

* Only a quarter of all surveyed teachers had external help from organisations that specialise in sex education.

* Most sex education classes are given to students in years nine and ten with very little being taught in years eleven and twelve.

* Less than fifty percent of respondents taught about the pleasure of sexual behaviour/activity which suggests that Australian sex education focuses more on the negative outcomes rather than an overall approach.

* Over half of all the teachers surveyed said they found it hard to fit sex education into the curriculum as it wasn't allocated time.
* A fifth of all respondents cited a lack in training and resources as to why they avoided teaching some topics

* Just under fifty percent said they were afraid of community/parental backlash from some topics so were less likely to teach or talk about them in class. (including pleasure and same sex attraction)

* Topics that teachers said they would like to see included in the sex ed curriculum were: Same sex attraction, pleasure of sexuality, communication and negotiation skills, sexual decision making, respectful relationships and contraception.

* Almost a quarter of the teachers surveyed were unsure whether their school had a sex education policy.

Actual quote from survey:
“Teachers indicated that sexuality education should start in primary school and cover topics such as relationships and feelings, names and functions of body parts and reproduction. For most of the topics listed in this survey teachers stated that they should be taught earlier than they were actually teaching them as per curriculum. ...While the majority of teachers (51%) thought sexuality education was very effective in increasing knowledge and understanding in sexuality and sexual health, they judged sexuality education programs less effective for teaching young people about exploring and clarifying feelings, values and attitudes, developing and strengthening skills and promoting and sustaining risk-reducing behaviour.”

 

It's clear from this that most teachers are aware of what should be taught and when it should be taught but are mostly afraid to do so. Especially when it comes to teaching kids about pleasure which, when you think about it, is what sex is. It is pleasurable. It feels good. It is ultimately why most people have sex - for the sensation.

Telling children it is wrong or bad or dirty or beneath them is the first step to creating guilt, shame and confusion. But it feels good! How can it be bad??
In the same way we teach kids to enjoy chocolate but not be irresponsible with it and eat nothing but junk, we need to be able to tell our kids the same kind of things about sex. Sure it feels good, it can be one of the best things out there, but it comes with risks and responsibilities and ways to make sure you come out the other end undamaged. Just telling them how awful it is, without addressing the things they know to be true (like how good it can feel) is only telling half the story. As adults we know you can't build an Ikea bookshelf without half the instructions, why would we send our kids into the world with only half the instructions and then expect that bookshelf not to come crashing down and potentially kill them?

 Just look at these figures.

STI Rates (taken straight from Australian Bureau of Statistics "social trends" June 2011)

Chlamydia... For women aged 15-19 years, the notification rate increased from 569 per 100,000 in 2001, to 2,228 per 100,000 in 2011
Gonorrhoea... The national notification rate for people aged 15 years and over was 65 per 100,000 population, up from 40 per 100,000 in 2001.
Syphilis... The 15-19 years age group increased by 60%, 35-39 years increased by 84% and 45-49 years increased by 129%.

 HIV AIDS... In 2010, there were 1,031 new cases of HIV among men and women aged 13 years and over, or 5.5 notifications per 100,000 population.

 

 This, all of this, is why I have written my book. I believe there is a great deal of information our teenagers are not getting due to parental ignorance or embarrassment, teacher and school restrictions or lack of guidelines on what can and can't be taught.
There needs to be a place where kids can go to get all their information and knowledge from that is not only age appropriate, but correct, respectful, fully inclusive and spoken in a language they understand. They don't need to be told “no”. They need to be told everything, and then make up their own minds as to what they will do. I truly believe if we want to raise intelligent adults, we need to start with having informed children.

Unsexy Times...

This is probably one of the most common questions I (and I am sure other sex workers) get asked... My answer is always the same... So I thought I'd post it up here. This is a mix and match of a few different pieces I've written over the years for People Mag...

Q: Do you ever have times when you just can't get in the mood for sex? I'm sure you're not “on” all the time. And what if the guy is really fat and ugly? What do you do then?

Surprisingly enough, even a super sex goddess like myself has down days. We all do. It's a part of life. You know those days when you hate everyone and want to avoid human contact wherever possible. Where no matter what anyone says or does they're just irritating and in your way and you wish you were like one of those lizards that can flash bright, warning colours so other creatures know to stay away. Or those blue days when you just feel low for no reason and even shitty ads on TV make you want to weep.

For me, those sorts of days are never anything too serious, I'm generally a pretty happy and positive person and usually reserve those sorts of moods for when I'm having my period. But every now and then, sometimes for no particular reason, I have a bit of a blah moment. 

Like I might wake up with a horrible red pimple right in the middle of my face or feel bloated and sluggish from something I ate the day before. My hair might be having one of its fits and morphed itself into an untameable crazy-cat-lady style, or I could just get up on the wrong side of bed and be in a “Don't-talk-to-me-til-I've-had-my-coffee” kind of mood. Whatever it is, there are some days when I look at myself in the mirror and think “ugh, what happened to you??”

It helps if you're able to recognise these moods because there's usually something you can do to make yourself feel a bit better, and it also helps if people around you can spot them too.

Of course, if you're anything like me, you'll probably want to rip the head off the person who even merely suggests you might be in a bad mood, but at least they'll know to steer clear, or bring you chocolate, or not completely hold a grudge when you go mental at them for chewing their toast too loudly. 

When I was working and having one of those days the last thing I wanted to do is work. I don't think it would be fair of me to turn up and give a half hearted service or be irritable and unfriendly towards the client. Not only would it be completely unprofessional of me, it would also be a waste of my clients' time and money. The whole point of my job, and the most important aspect of it, is making the client feel good so I usually won't take any bookings if I'm feeling lack lustre. Of course, considering I often worked late into the night, there have obviously been a couple of times where I've felt tired and over it but have a job booked, so there are certain things I can do to help me perk up a bit.

The first thing I try and do is eat the right food for the right moment. For example, if I know I'm going to be at a job for more than a couple of hours then I make sure I eat bananas or Weetbix or some other low GI food before I leave, which keeps my stamina up for the job. I also try and make sure I have something like a bag of barley sugars or jelly snakes in the car. The quick sugar fix is great for a quick burst of energy, especially at 3am when it's just too ridiculous to think of having a coffee or energy drink.

I should point out, however, that I am very lucky in the fact that it doesn't take a lot for me to want to have sex. Getting “in the mood” isn't something I have to work too hard at, I'm almost always up for the suggestion. I can't really explain it, I've always been this way. If I could bottle it I would and not only make myself rich, but make millions of people around the world happy and satisfied.

But, in saying all that, sometimes it's not me at all. Sometimes, no matter how “in the mood” I am something about the job just turns me off.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don’t have too many expectations when I go to a booking. I know not every job is going to be with a super-spunky, mega-rich playboy in a suite at the Hyatt and that’s okay. I genuinely enjoy meeting people. I really do. I like people, and people are short, tall, fat, thin, bald, hairy, old and young. I honestly don’t give a crap about that outer stuff. I've met enough good looking guys who are idiots and not-so good looking guys who are fabulous to know that the aesthetics don't count.

You could be a lawn mower or a lawyer; eighteen or eighty, it really doesn’t matter. The only thing I expect, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask, is that A) you are friendly, and B) you are clean.

As for the first part, I luckily haven’t come across too many total fuckwits - it’s not that easy being a bastard when a gorgeous girl has your cock in her hands - but when it comes to the latter, there have been a few times when I've turned up at a job and the guy is unclean and totally smelly.

Just so you know, I’m not really talking about those been-out-all-night-drinking-and-dancing smells, those are the inevitable odours of a night on the town and, although they don’t compare to baking bread or fresh brewing coffee, I can usually handle them. But there’s one smell that gets to me and makes taking my clothes off the last thing I want to do, and that’s the rancid, sour smell of stale sweat.

You know the one that lingers in stifled peak-hour trains in summer and seems to permeate and take up residence in your nostrils so that even when you've got off the train and back into the fresh air you can still smell it? Yeah... That's the smell I mean.

I could understand if I was to get to the client's place at 5:30pm and, because he's just finished work, he is still in his work clothes and hasn't had time to shower or change, but I’m talking about those times when I get there around 9pm and he's still in those clothes. The sweat patches have dried to these greasy, yellow-looking stains under the armpits and around the collar, there’s a bit of lunch still on the front of his shirt and everything he has eaten and drunk since waking up is still on his breath.

I mean come on. It’s not like they didn’t know I was coming over, like I just turned up unannounced on the doorstep looking for a booty call. They've called and arranged the specific time for me to arrive and, not only that, they've called for the sole reason of getting as physically close to another person as one can get. Surely there was enough time to jump through the shower or at least change clothes.

Usually I can avoid being rude or causing embarrassment by suggesting we start the booking with a shower or, if available, a spa. Even if they're not all stinky, it’s a great way to start a sexy session anyway. If that doesn’t work then I’ll go to plan B: A sensual massage with aromatic oil. It’s not as effective as actually washing, but it does an okay job of masking the smell for the hour or so I’m with them and, just like the shower, it’s a fun way to get things going.

But really, Guys, if you're reading this, the next time you arrange for a sexy visitor to come over, give yourself a bit of a sniff or, better yet, once you’ve made the call, just go straight to the shower to have a wash and clean your teeth. It’s really not that hard and, most importantly, makes it a better night for everyone involved. And by everyone, I mean me... I know you'll have a good time, no matter what!

What Turns a Sex Worker Off?

Another column from my People magazine days... (still in its original form)
Wanna know what turns a sex worker off?

 

I got a letter recently asking me what it would take for me not to go through with a job. Although I am a fairly easy going person I do have limits, and, from asking other working girls what their limits are too, I've come up with a list of things that are almost certainly going to guarantee a dud booking, and most likely a non-refundable cancellation on her part. So take note, guys, and don't do any of these!

1. Personal Hygiene

I'm not talking about a little BO (although that really is a turn off), but that obvious not-had-a-shower-or-changed-clothes-in-a-week stench. It's not like you don't own a shower or know that some girl is coming over to get naked with you. Use your common sense. Wash.

2. Domestic Hygiene

Again, I don't mean dirty dishes in the sink or crap on your coffee table. I'm talking about mouldy towels in the bath, dog shit in your hall, stained and damp bed sheets. Seriously, guys, any girl who would fuck in a bed like that would probably not be someone I'd want to fuck... If you know what I mean.

3. Unexpected Guests

Saying you're home alone and the girl arriving to find three blokes sitting on the couch hoping for an orgy is a sure-fire way of not getting anything at all. We don't mind flat-mates and understand that not everyone lives alone, but just let us know so we don't freak out when your house-mate comes walking through the lounge to get a drink.

4. If It's Not On

I come across this so often it's not funny (not that it ever was). Don't bother asking if you can do it without a condom. One girl I know will literally climb off you, put on her clothes and walk out the door if you ask more than once. I'm not that extreme, but don't push it.

5. No Means No

If she says no to a request, such as kissing you on the mouth, or having anal sex, then take it. She's under no obligation to do it. The best way to avoid that situation is to pre-establish everything you want her to do with her before she even gets to your house.

6. Health Issues

Escorts are pretty good at looking for things like scabs, warts, herpes etc. It's usually done so discreetly you don't even notice it, but on those occasions that we do find something, although we might not leave, we won't have sex or oral sex with you. No matter what.

7. Smashed

Sometimes a little Dutch courage is needed to call a girl and go through with a booking, but if you are too drunk to stand or are so off your head on drugs, or are acting erratic or volatile in any way, most girls will leave. It just doesn't feel safe.

8. Privacy Matters

I once left a job halfway through because I discovered the guy filming me. I made him delete it and then left. It's completely wrong and disrespectful to do that, not to mention illegal. You want porn, go buy it. That's not what escorts are for.

9. Arseholes

Being a total fuckwit will have lots of girls not bothering to stay. Yes, we know we are prostitutes, but treating us like dogs is never a good idea. Not only will we leave, we also have big bulldog drivers waiting for us in the car who like to make sure we're happy and treated right.

10. The Vibe

It's a pretty rare occurrence but sometimes, like with the guy who wanted me to fuck him on the pink frilly princess bed, it just feels wrong. Us hookers have very finely tuned radars and if it starts to buzz most of us will get out. And it's always better to be safe than sorry. Especially in this job.