No Little Girl and Other Lies

No Little Girl and other lies.

Not so long ago I wrote an article for the Eros Journal about the # PornHarmKids campaign that was centred around the idea that porn is dangerous for children and therefore should be banned. (You can find a copy of the magazine here: http://eros.org.au/NEJ/issue5/mobile/index.html

Look for issue no. 5 and flick to page 16)

On the surface this movement seemed fairly logical (of course no-one wants their kids accidentally stumbling across, or even deliberately seeking out, hardcore pornography) but when looked at a little deeper it was evident that it had far less to do with protecting children, and far more to do with sexual negativity, stopping conversations and sex education, as well as silencing performers and producers and those invested in the adult industry. To the sex-negative radical feminists that lead these movements anyone involved in the sex industry is either a rapist or a victim and anyone who deems to speak out positively about it is a brainwashed idiot who doesn’t care about women or children.

It’s definitely a clever tactic. I mean, there are few things that tug the heart-strings and create emotive responses more than the idea of children being hurt. In the plight to stop world hunger or extreme poverty the images we see on our TVs are of starved, dying children. When we talk car safety, germ cleaning, internet danger, food health, anything really we know that using children, or the phrase “As a mother...” is a clear and effective way to get people thinking with their emotions and are therefore far easier to sway to their way of thinking.

What’s wrong with that? I hear you ask… Of COURSE we don’t want children dying or hurt or damaged. Why is it so bad to protect the most vulnerable among us? We’re adults, that’s our job!

Well yes, of course, you’re right in many ways… But unfortunately for every good thing that comes from the idea of “protecting children” come those who would use our emotions against us, to spread misinformation and downright lies, all in the name of “Saving The Children”.

This is evident when it comes to groups like anti-vaxxers or pro-lifers. They also use photographs of distressed children to get their messages across. They use highly emotive language as well as clever tricks with language to “prove” their sides and dismiss anything spoken against it as conspiracy or “paid shills”, and are quick to delete, block or, in some extreme cases, antagonise and rally against people in the most horrid of ways (look at the anti Light for Riley people or Sandyhook “truthers” if you need evidence of this).

So yes. It’s clever. Really clever. We, as society as a whole, protect our young. We don’t want to see them hurt or upset, and so using them to highlight an issue or danger gives us that instinctual protector vibe and we feel obligated to help.

Probably one of the most distressing things we can think of when it comes to bad things that can happen to our kids is sexual abuse. The idea of their innocence being ripped away, their futures shattered. It’s horrible to think about and even more horrible to know it actually happens. A lot. To children all over the world from the richest suburbs to the most poverty stricken slums. No-one wants to think that this sort of thing might happen to their kids and so campaigns like #PornHarmsKids effectively draws on that as well as the age-old idea that sex itself - not rape or molestation, just sex- is bad and wrong and dirty for women to do unless, of course, they are married, and therefore any woman involved in anything to do with the sex industry must have been forced and is in need of rescue.

It is with these dirty tactics and sex-negative attitudes that the latest hashtag has spawned: #NoLittleGirl.

In the wake of the FOSTA/SESTA debacle (An American bill that claims to fight sex trafficking but that actually just puts sex workers in a lot of danger. For more info, and I absolutely encourage everyone to look into this and why it’s so dangerous, please read here: https://www.vox.com/culture/2018/4/13/17172762/fosta-sesta-backpage-230-internet-freedom ) radical feminists are using the sudden focus on sex trafficking versus sex work (newsflash, there is NO connection between the two) to once again demonise sex work and sex workers by stating that because no little girl would ever possibly dream of growing up to be a sex worker it is somehow proof that the sex industry is gross and dangerous and should be shut down.

Now, by using this logic can we also assume no little girl ever dreamed of cleaning up vomit and shit so therefore we should ban nursing or cleaning? Also I don’t know how many little girls grew up dreaming of working 40 hours a week behind a checkout, so sorry retail industry, you’ve got to go. In fact I could name a hundred jobs that no-one, girl or boy, would ever dream of doing when they grow up because they’re either gross or hard or boring or just terrible. I mean, when you think about it, that’s practically every job! The only difference being that sex work contains sex and sex is icky and bad.

But, regardless of that, the claim that No Little Girl ever dreams of growing up to be a sex worker is in itself false.

How do I know this? Because I was one of them. From the earliest age I can remember, before I knew what sex was, what orgasms were, what lust or love or desire was… Before any of that I knew I liked it. I knew about the sensations and the way it made me feel. I knew I wanted to explore it. As I grew up and learnt words to put to those feelings I got even more curious, and at whatever age it was that I finally found out some people have sex as a job it was something I wanted to do. I have since met hundreds of women who have said the same, and even more who have said they were fascinated by sex and sexual feelings as a kid even if they didn’t necessarily want to do it for work, hell even Dolly Parton claims she looks the way she looks because she modelled herself on the town hooker she once spotted as a child and was fascinated by.

It’s also important to note, because you will NEVER see anti sex work protestors speak of it as it ruins their narrative, that not all sex workers are women, and not all sex work clients are men. This is actually one of the most important omissions in their arguments because it shows the truth. That women using sex as work makes them uncomfortable because sex itself makes them uncomfortable. It’s got NOTHING to do with “protecting’ women and everything to do with “controlling” women’s sexuality and sexual independence, ironically just like what they say they are trying to fight. It’s a bizarre and twisted point of view that has stemmed from the backwards and dangerous way we speak and learn and teach about sex.

We drill sex negativity into children in so many ways, whether it’s referring to certain parts of their body as “rude” or punishing them for exploring themselves “Don’t touch there it’s dirty!” or expecting girls to be “pure” and policing the length of their skirts or bare shoulders. It’s not only ridiculous (there is nothing wrong with bodies) it’s also incredibly dangerous to their growth and development into a healthy adult. The thing is children DO think about sex or the good-feeling sensations they get in their tummies and, while sex itself is certainly not an act for children, the education around it must be positive and void of shame so that they can feel free and safe to explore and learn and have a solid base of facts and family and love to fall back on when things get tricky or confusing. And you know what? If any of those children do decide when they’re older that they want to work in the sex industry, it is up to us as the generation before to provide safe and healthy environments for them to do so. Pushing for a ban on the industry in the name of stopping trafficking is as useless as shutting down the local pharmacy because someone has a meth lab on the street. 

Sex work IS work. It is a valid and necessary job that provides comfort and intimacy and fun as well as financial security and independence for the people who do it. Regardless of if the provider is working from the penthouse suite of a fancy hotel or on the street, each of them, and every level in between, deserves respect and security and protection and the only way that this can be done is with decriminalisation. It doesn’t actually matter if YOU personally would never do that job or find it distasteful, it’s not about you. It’s about the fact that sex work is not ever going to go away and it shouldn’t have to. That sex trafficking is NOT the same and there are already laws and legislations in place for combatting it. And that as humans living on the same planet we have an obligation to make sure everyone doing a job is kept safe and has the same rights and protections as anyone else doing a job.

If you need any more proof that I am not alone and that sex workers and women around the world actually DID think about sex and pleasure when they were kids, go and search out the hashtag. In true internet activist style it has been taken over by sex positivity and stories from all over the world and all over the gender spectrum showing how false this claim really is and what a ridiculous logic leap they’ve taken.

In my activism and my feminism I truly believe that the only thing little girls should ever grow up not wanting to do is silence other women and stifle their choices (some of whom are the most vulnerable and marginalised in the world) and put them in unsafe and dangerous positions just because what they’ve chosen to do makes her feel icky. Listen to sex workers, provide them with rights not rescue, and join the fight for decriminalisation… And please, stop using children to clutch at your pearls. Their hands are only small and they’d rather be playing with Lego.

The Missing Lessons... Sex Education and LGBTI Youth.

As I have been reiterating throughout my last few blogs, sex education in schools needs a major overhaul. New conversations need to be had, new topics need to be raised, and new approaches must be made. The classes barely scrape the surface of the vast universe that is sex and there is one group of teenagers who are really suffering and missing out on vital information that specifically speaks to them. LGBTI youth.

In the course of writing my book, A Girl's Guide To Getting Off, I drew on many sources for research, inspiration and information. A lot of it came from my own personal experiences and memories as a teenager and, from talking to many teens, I found that not much has really changed at all. All kids go through what we went through. Sure, the technology and fashion may have changed, but really, that's about it. Kids today have the same doubts, fears, questions and desires as I did way back in the olden days of the early 90s (no, seriously, my daughter once asked me if the world was black and white when I was a kid).

The one thing that I found hard to draw on personal experience from, however, was LGBTI issues. Although I identify as bisexual now (and always had girl crushes and things throughout school) I don't think it was ever something I really thought about much beyond the desire of wanting to try it out (which I did). But because I was always attracted to boys as well, and that's where I focused most of my sexual energy, I never felt I really missed out or was excluded from the conversations we had about sex.

One of my close friends, however, missed out big time. She never told anyone she was gay, not until we had all left school and moved on with our lives, but in a conversation we had recently she told me how isolated she had felt in those classes. How abnormal and weird. That because she had absolutely no desire to have children one day and even less of a desire to have a penis anywhere near her vagina, she thought that perhaps there was something wrong with her.

The only time people ever really mentioned “gay” was when the footy jocks were picking on one of the nerdy kids, lesbians were thought of as big, angry, leather jacket wearing hard-arses, and I think most of us thought transsexuals were drag queens. There was no talk of same sex couples or of same sex sex in our health and sex classes. There was literally nothing.

Fast forward 25 years and, even though these days most kids are aware of the diversity of relationships and many of them are angry and confused about the inequality towards same sex marriage and other discriminations that occur for LGBTI people, the education they are receiving in schools is as backwards and silent as it was back then.

Like I said, I have no real experience of being a gay teenager. I can really only imagine how hard it would be to be going through the things all teenagers go through, and having this added worry of coming out, being accepted by your parents, and trying to figure out what this crazy sex thing is all about. I mean, at least straight kids get a basic understanding of the act and what is supposed to happen.

Because of my lack of experience and knowledge on the subject I spoke with quite a few teenage girls who identify as queer and talked to them about the education they were or were not receiving and any discrimination they felt they were subjected to.

Here's what some of them said in their own words.

“When we did sex ed, one of my friends asked how lesbians have sex. Our teacher sent her out of the room. She wasn't even asking in a rude way. She just wanted to know. I was too scared to ask anything after that” - Kim 16

“There's no way I'd even bring it up. Half the kids in my school have no idea what trans is anyway. I don't even know if I know. But I won't find out at school” - J 16

“One of my friends went to our care support teacher and complained about people who were making homophobic remarks, as they were 'triggering' him. She told him that he shouldn't talk about the fact that he was gay, because that was a 'trigger' to homophobic people. It made several of my friends and I feel very unsafe and not cared for.” - Heather 16

“When we did sex ed I said something like 'Gross. I don't want a penis anywhere near me. I'll take a vagina any day!' I was sent to the principals office and he told me I had been offensive. When I asked him why, he refused to tell me.” - Kayla 17

“My dad is gay too. It's just the two of us at home. When I asked about gay sex in our health class my teacher said they weren't allowed to talk about it and I should ask my parents. I asked her what a gay man would know about lesbian sex. She got really embarrassed and didn't look at me for the rest of the class” - Penny 15

Over the past eighteen months I have learnt one thing that, although I always kinda gathered, has been proven and has stuck with me. Kids aren't stupid. They've never been stupid. They just have stupid adults around them telling them what they can and can't think, what is acceptable, and what is unacceptable to talk about, especially in the sex education classroom. But it's wrong. These are our kid's lives, their heads, their personalities and sexualities and it is absolutely unfair to exclude them in the conversation for any reason at all.

It's not just about the LGBTI kids either, it's about all of them. It's about modelling acceptance and tolerance (I hate that word). It's about including every colour of the rainbow in our teachings about sex and relationships so that no kid feels alone or weird or a freak just because of who they are attracted to and so that no kid feels it is right and justified to exclude or discriminate against someone because of their sexuality.

Because although kids aren't stupid, they can be sponges who pick up everything they see and hear and it's our job as adults and teachers and guides to make sure everyone is treated equally and fairly and that all education, including sex, is encompassing and inclusive.

The Two Parts to Sex Education

As I've recently pointed out in previous blogs, sex education in schools is pretty poor. It's very basic and fraught with problems from outside sources, lack of resources and a whole lot of fear.

Don't tell kids about sex! They'll just run out and have it!

The thing is, sex is multifaceted and such a deep and involved subject it simply cannot be glossed over and treated as an aside to PE or Humanities. It should have it's own specific classes. And when I say classes I mean at least two different ones.

You see, there are two major reasons people have sex and only one of them is ever really addressed (albeit poorly) in schools. The first reason, and the only one we ever really get taught in classrooms is reproduction. Human biology. This, I believe, is suited to the science classroom. We all did our “life-cycle of a frog” assignment in school or the “Birds and the Bees” assignment on pollen and plant reproduction and this is where human reproduction should be taught. Penises, vaginas, sperm and eggs. We should learn about ovulation and periods and the developmental stages of a foetus.

This scientific teaching should, I believe, happen in both primary and high school. In early primary I think learning about the names of body parts and their functions is vital, then in late primary go into more detail about what they do and what they are for, and then into early high school and continuing throughout, we should incorporate the safe sex message and knowledge of STIs and how to prevent them.

If you take the shame and embarrassment and fear factor out of the lessons on body parts and sex with children then you are off to a fantastic start and a way of easier, more open communication as our kids turn into teenagers.

Now we come to the second reason people have sex, and it's actually (according to many surveys world wide) the main reason.

Pleasure. It feels good. It does! It feels bloody awesome. All parts of sexual intimacy, from kissing and touching to having actual physical sex. And, because teenagers are slaves to their own wants and desires, of course they're going to bloody do it! It's what teenagers do. They do stuff that feels good.

Teenagers don't often think of the future beyond the next week. They want to go to a party, they go. They want to eat a cheeseburger, they go get one. They want to have sex, they do it. We can't stop them by trying to scare them or bully them. We just can't. That's been proven time and time again. The rise in teenage pregnancies and STIs in young people is absolute proof that the “don't do it, it's wrong” message isn't working.

I think, like I said in the beginning of this piece, we need to split sex education into two equally important, and yet completely separate classes. Science, to talk about the actual science of reproduction and everything that goes along with that, and an entirely new class that revolves around pleasure, relationships, emotions, consent and all the other things that go along with sex that have nothing to do with babies.

When you single out reproduction in a sex ed class, you completely ignore things like LGBTI sexual relationships, which are equally as important to young people. You pass over things like consent and rape and sexual assault. Where to get help. Who to talk to. How to say no. How to accept no.

We need to focus on the pleasure side. What feels good. Why it feels good. The responsibilities we have in consensual relationships. The balance of pleasure. The fact that there are many other things young people can do to feel that sexual pleasure without actually having intercourse at all. Masturbation is so rarely talked about to teenagers and yet I can guarantee you almost every single one of them is doing it.

We need to talk about the emotional side of sex; boyfriends/girlfriends, lust, heartbreak. The social side like peer pressure, bullying, slut-shaming and the ever increasing online social aspects, cyber-bullying, sexting, online predators.

I also think it's important to incorporate parents and guardians in these teachings (probably not in the same room as their kids. That's a sure fire way to get kids to not talk about anything) but in conjunction.

It really is a huge topic and a massively important one for the future health and well being of our kids, both physically and emotionally.

It's not something we can just slip in at the end of a PE class and feel we have responsibly addressed. That's just plain ignorance, bred from fear and I can tell you, it's costing us a lot more and damaging our children far more than little bit of embarrassment you might get at the thought of telling your teenagers about the clitoris.

Bad Advice Throughout The Years

In the research for my book, A Girl's Guide To Getting Off, I have emailed, Skyped, Facebooked and talked face to face with dozens and dozens (maybe even hundreds) of women of all ages (from around 13 to over 70) about sex and the sex education they received and I have to say that on some topics I was sad to see that not a lot has changed over the years.

Across all ages I have encountered girls who had no idea what was happening when they got their period, women completely disgusted by the look of their own genitals, women afraid to touch themselves for all manner of reasons and fears, and girls told that what they wear or how they act will make them somehow responsible for their own rapes or sexual assaults.

Today I would like to share with you some of the bad advice they were given.

(All names have been changed)

On Periods

“I was bleeding. I had no idea what it was. I thought I was dying. I went and told my mother and she slapped me! Slapped me right in the face, gave me a packet of pads and told me to never speak about it again.” - Sue 71

“My mum came to me when I was about twelve and told me I would start bleeding from my private bits soon and that these [pads] would help soak it up. She didn't tell me what it was or why. Just that it would happen and happen a lot. It wasn't til I was about sixteen that a friend explained it to me. Up until then I thought it happened to boys too.” - Liz 50

“It happened at school camp when I was about 14. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was going to die. My year co-ordinator was so lovely. She gave me pads and told me what was happening. When I got home and told my mum all she said was 'You're a woman now.'” - Carly 18

On Boys

“Mum told me to never let a boy pay for everything on a date because then he would expect certain things. She didn't tell me I had the right to refuse or that he had no right to demand. Only that the best way to avoid it was to make sure you didn't 'owe' him anything” - Jessie 37

“I have always been told, since I was a kid, if a boy is mean to you it means he likes you. That's led to some pretty fucked up relationships I can tell you. I will never tell my kids that. If someone is mean to you, it's because they are a mean person. End of story.” - Anne 29

“My older brother has never had a curfew. I always have. When I questioned it my dad said it's because girls get raped and boys don't. When I said that maybe that should mean boys shouldn't be allowed out rather than stopping girls he told me I didn't know what I was talking about. Talk about double standards” - Debbie 17

On What You Wear

“My father telling me I wasn't leaving the house in that was almost constant. When my breasts began to get really big he made me cover them in a cardigan, no matter how hot it was. He told me it was because boys get ideas and he wasn't going to have his daughter be the one to give it to them.” - Sara 40

“My mum told me it was a shame I had big boobs because everything I wore made me look like I was asking for sex.” - Anne 29

“My mum always says if you dress like a slut you'll be treated like a slut. I've been treated pretty bad just in jeans and a top so I don't think she's getting the whole picture.” - Kerry 19

On Sexual Assault

“When I was 19 I was raped. I went to the police and they kept asking me what I had been wearing and if I had led him on. It was really horrible. The fact I had a black eye and scratches all over me didn't seem to matter. One of the cops even said if I hadn't made such a fuss maybe [the rapist] wouldn't have hit me so hard.” - Fern 50

“I had big boobs in high school. I got used to the boys trying to touch them and grab them when I walked past. If you complained they called you frigid. I actually didn't think about it til years later how completely wrong it was” - Jessie 37

“When I was in grade seven I complained to my teacher that the boys in my class were trying to feel me up. She told me 'boys will be boys' and to not encourage it by wearing my school skirt so short” - Hayley 17

On Losing Your Virginity

“On my wedding day [I was 22] my mother pulled me aside and told me that now I was a wife I had specific duties. One was to let him touch me with whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. She said it would hurt but I would get used to it.” - Carol 68

“My mum told me to save myself for marriage or I would get a bad reputation. She said it was okay for boys because boys needed the practice to make sure they were good husbands. It never made any sense! Who were they supposed to be practising on and why couldn't I practice to be a good wife? She never answered my questions. She just said not to do it.” - Jennifer 39

“My mum hasn't really said anything to me or my sister about sex. She gets really embarrassed about it. She gave us a book though. That helped us learn a bit more, but I don't know. The girls at school says it hurts.” - Alannah 15

On Masturbation

“My mother caught me masturbating in the bath once. She screamed and told me I was dirty and going to hell and that I was to never, ever touch myself there again. Of course I didn't listen. I just made sure I was more careful about where I did it.” - Sara 40

“My mum told me if I touched myself down there it would ruin my vagina (she didn't actually use that word. She just called them 'bits') and that no man would ever want to marry me.” - Anne 29

“My mum has never talked to me about it ever. I wouldn't know how to talk to her about it either.” - Hayley 17

                                                                       *****

So much confusion. So much wasted self doubt. So much bullshit! All in the name of what? Protection? Fear? All that has done for most of these women is left them feeling unsure, abnormal and completely unaware of their own bodies, their own sexuality, their own pleasure. Not a life I wish for my daughter, nor yours.

I absolutely believe it is imperative that we open the doors to honest and proper sexual education and allow teenagers to explore, learn and develop without any fear of judgement or punishment and without ridiculous scare tactics and untruths about what will happen.

Yes, sex is an activity that comes with responsibility and risk but then so is almost everything we undertake as we grow from children into adults. Let's be true educators. True guides. After all truth is knowledge and knowledge is the key to all greatness and that is what I wish for my daughter and yours.

Sex Education and the lack of it. Or, Why the hell did I write my book?

I have finally finished writing my book, A Girl's Guide To Getting Off, and other things you won't learn in sex ed.

It all began when I was running a group of skillshare events with a friend about sexual pleasure, sex toys and Gspots and all the good things sex can do and discovering how many women over forty had never had an orgasm or even knew what pleasures their bodies were capable of. They were telling me things like "I wish I'd learnt all this as a teenager. It would have saved me a lot of confusion, self doubt and bad decision making as an adult."
It got me thinking of my own sex education and what I wish for my daughter... And I looked and I looked, and I found very little age appropriate stuff on the matter of sex and pleasure and relationships and all of the things we are supposed to automatically know when we "grow up".
So... Being the go-getter that I am, and a person who knows quite a lot about sex, pleasure and how to get the best out of it, I wrote it myself. And below are just some of the many other reasons this book needs to be out there...

Publishers please take note, and check your slush piles. I'm sure it's hiding in there somewhere

Technology is amazing. I mean, the things we can do nowadays! I can have a live video phone conversation with someone sitting in a grass hut in Africa. I can go on a virtual deep sea dive in an almost inaccessible part of the world. I can read the entire works of Shakespeare and all the Mr Men books and then take a tour of The Louvre while listening to a live Doors concert and I don't even have to get out of bed!

The wealth of information that comes through these little lit-up screens in our hands and on our laps is so far beyond 2000 it's crazy. Everything can be found by Googling it and I mean everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. Really, really ugly.

Yes, technology these days is amazing, but it can be fraught with problems too. One of the main issues that comes from such a huge influx of information is that it can be tricky to separate the truth from the lies, the real from the fake. And, if we lack the ability to process all this information in a way that helps us understand what we are seeing, why we are seeing it and what it all actually means, it can become a very dangerous thing.

One of the groups most vulnerable to the exposure of false, misleading and damaging information are teenagers. The brain is still developing, traits like reason and risk management are still developing or changing, and (as we are all aware) teenagers already know everything, so they can't be logically explained to or told otherwise. And now, with this universe of information in their pockets, they can claim to be experts on almost anything and have the “proof” to back it up.

Now that's all well and good when it comes to the latest Xbox game or the season finale of The Walking Dead, but when it comes to things that can be potentially life changing and damaging we, as adults, parents, friends and members of the universe, have a duty of care to make sure our younger generations are given the right information and tools to move into adulthood with minimum damage. It's fantastic that all this information is out there literally at your fingertips, but giving kids free reign of it all and not helping them process and understand it is as dangerous as letting a toddler play with an oven and figure out for themselves why their hands are getting burnt.

And this is all too obvious when it comes to sex. Proper sex education of young people is in decline. Parents are too afraid or embarrassed to talk to their kids about sex and teachers are afraid of the parents' reactions to their teachings and therefore keep it so basic that nothing is really taught and real questions are not being answered,and so a lot of kids end up in situations they cannot understand or process properly.

It's an illogical circle really. I won't tell my kids about sex, pleasure, orgasms, safety, consent, relationships and then they will never ever do it til I think they're old enough to handle it, and in doing so push their kids to the step of finding it out for themselves and inevitably seeing and experiencing worse.

The thing is plenty of teenage kids are going to have sex. Whether you want them to or not. They will. They have been for generations. And will for years to come. It's normal exploration. Telling them not to doesn't work and telling them not to without any good reasons is even worse. Telling them that sex is dirty, dangerous, bad and wrong is also not going to stop them. What it will do, however is make sure they are uninformed, unsafe, irresponsible and completely against coming to you for any help or advice when things do happen that are less than desired like pregnancy, STIs or sexual assault.

I recently heard of a woman who kicked her 15 year old daughter out of her home because she had got pregnant. Her reason? “I told her not to have sex. She didn't listen. What will the community think of the sort of mother I am who lets her teenager get pregnant.”

I'd be more worried about what the “community” would think of me as a mother who throws a young, pregnant vulnerable child out onto the street... But maybe that's just me.

She hadn't taught her daughter about safe sex. About condoms or the pill. About any of that. She truly believed that no information and “banning” her from doing it was the way to go. It wasn't. It isn't. And it never will be.

In 2011 the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society conducted a survey among nearly 300 secondary school teachers of sexual health from every jurisdiction in Australia including government, Catholic and independent schools.

Some of the key findings were:

* Most sex education teachers are female teachers trained in PE and health.

* Sixteen percent of teachers had no outside training whatsoever, and the majority of those who did attended a one day seminar with only a single focus, which was mainly reproduction.

* Only a quarter of all surveyed teachers had external help from organisations that specialise in sex education.

* Most sex education classes are given to students in years nine and ten with very little being taught in years eleven and twelve.

* Less than fifty percent of respondents taught about the pleasure of sexual behaviour/activity which suggests that Australian sex education focuses more on the negative outcomes rather than an overall approach.

* Over half of all the teachers surveyed said they found it hard to fit sex education into the curriculum as it wasn't allocated time.
* A fifth of all respondents cited a lack in training and resources as to why they avoided teaching some topics

* Just under fifty percent said they were afraid of community/parental backlash from some topics so were less likely to teach or talk about them in class. (including pleasure and same sex attraction)

* Topics that teachers said they would like to see included in the sex ed curriculum were: Same sex attraction, pleasure of sexuality, communication and negotiation skills, sexual decision making, respectful relationships and contraception.

* Almost a quarter of the teachers surveyed were unsure whether their school had a sex education policy.

Actual quote from survey:
“Teachers indicated that sexuality education should start in primary school and cover topics such as relationships and feelings, names and functions of body parts and reproduction. For most of the topics listed in this survey teachers stated that they should be taught earlier than they were actually teaching them as per curriculum. ...While the majority of teachers (51%) thought sexuality education was very effective in increasing knowledge and understanding in sexuality and sexual health, they judged sexuality education programs less effective for teaching young people about exploring and clarifying feelings, values and attitudes, developing and strengthening skills and promoting and sustaining risk-reducing behaviour.”

 

It's clear from this that most teachers are aware of what should be taught and when it should be taught but are mostly afraid to do so. Especially when it comes to teaching kids about pleasure which, when you think about it, is what sex is. It is pleasurable. It feels good. It is ultimately why most people have sex - for the sensation.

Telling children it is wrong or bad or dirty or beneath them is the first step to creating guilt, shame and confusion. But it feels good! How can it be bad??
In the same way we teach kids to enjoy chocolate but not be irresponsible with it and eat nothing but junk, we need to be able to tell our kids the same kind of things about sex. Sure it feels good, it can be one of the best things out there, but it comes with risks and responsibilities and ways to make sure you come out the other end undamaged. Just telling them how awful it is, without addressing the things they know to be true (like how good it can feel) is only telling half the story. As adults we know you can't build an Ikea bookshelf without half the instructions, why would we send our kids into the world with only half the instructions and then expect that bookshelf not to come crashing down and potentially kill them?

 Just look at these figures.

STI Rates (taken straight from Australian Bureau of Statistics "social trends" June 2011)

Chlamydia... For women aged 15-19 years, the notification rate increased from 569 per 100,000 in 2001, to 2,228 per 100,000 in 2011
Gonorrhoea... The national notification rate for people aged 15 years and over was 65 per 100,000 population, up from 40 per 100,000 in 2001.
Syphilis... The 15-19 years age group increased by 60%, 35-39 years increased by 84% and 45-49 years increased by 129%.

 HIV AIDS... In 2010, there were 1,031 new cases of HIV among men and women aged 13 years and over, or 5.5 notifications per 100,000 population.

 

 This, all of this, is why I have written my book. I believe there is a great deal of information our teenagers are not getting due to parental ignorance or embarrassment, teacher and school restrictions or lack of guidelines on what can and can't be taught.
There needs to be a place where kids can go to get all their information and knowledge from that is not only age appropriate, but correct, respectful, fully inclusive and spoken in a language they understand. They don't need to be told “no”. They need to be told everything, and then make up their own minds as to what they will do. I truly believe if we want to raise intelligent adults, we need to start with having informed children.